CARL DIGGLER PREDICTS: How Hillary’s Edgy Brooklyn Shout-Outs Will Help Her Take New York

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The Big Apple. The City That Never Sleeps. Da Gabagool Capital. I’m talkin’ New York, baby! Back in January, while slurping the sauce off a classic slice and dipping the crust into some water, I didn’t think we would make it this far.

Sure, my predictions have been historically great, and I’m consistently so far ahead of the curve that lesser minds have copped to plagiarizing my methods. But a few months back, who would have thought the late New York primary would be anything but a formality? Around then, Jeb’s comeback seemed inevitable, as did Hillary mercy killing Bernie.

But like they say, everything can change in a New York Minute. Donald Trump harassed his way to frontrunner status, but Ted Cruz is nipping at his heels. Bernie is still in this, despite his unrealistic plans such as avoiding a multigenerational war with Iran through misogynistic hand motions.

Vagrant John Kasich is still fighting for the Big Rock Candy Mountain that he envisions Cleveland as. Ted Cruz is attempting to obscure his months of attacks on distinctly Semitic “New York values” by sneering through photo ops with Hassidim. Donald Trump is conducting “yuge” rallies. Hillary is meeting with the wokest commodity traders at Goldman Sachs. Bernie is rallying his horde of harassers.

This is a contested primary, alright. It seems odd to say now, but people didn’t think rough and tumble New York would be a fight!

And what’s a fight without handicapping? Nothing. And you Digheads have the best handicapper in the business. Without further ado, call me Dig Rothstein!

Democratic Primary

1st Place

Hillary Clinton

Welcome home, sistah! Hillary’s New York campaign has pulled out all the stops, such as putting hot sauce in her purse, appearing on Broad City to appeal to the city’s many older male media figures who date millennial women and are forced to watch their programs of choice, and saying “it’s good…………………..  TO BE………………… in Brooklyn!” every day in the exact same tone while staring at something that seems to be 10 miles away. With that kind of easy familiarity, it’s easy to see why Hillary is looking forward to a big win today.

Anticipating a massive loss, Bernie’s emotionally childlike supporters are already crying foul. They claim New York’s strict voter registration law — which forces voters to register for a party 8 months in advance to vote in that party’s primary — is “unfair” and “disenfranchising.” These Bernie Bros have gone so far as to sue the state to force an open primary.

The Dig begs to differ with these whiners. Closed primaries and onerous voter registration laws are actually good things, since they weed out the weekend warriors and limit the privilege of Democracy to its most dedicated boosters. Frankly, if you’re not enthusiastic enough about the process to have registered for a party 2-3 years in advance of an election, you have no business being in the voting booth with electoral superfans like me. Open primaries are amateur hour, and in New York it’s Real Voter Hours. Smash that freaking ballot, voteheads!

2nd Place

Bernie Sanders

Hey Bernie, is New York the most northern Southern state after today? Because you pointed out Hillary wins Southern states. Well, where’s New York, Senator Magellan?

Hahahahahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahhahahahahahahahahahhahaahahahhahahahaha.

Seriously though, Bernie has been running the nastiest campaign in political history since the Khmer Rouge, and his smears on Hillary for just her actions and words aren’t winning him any new friends. Sure, he’ll win some racists upstate who haven’t registered Republican because of residual Civil War-related resentment, and some trendy WoC-silencers in Bushwick, but he may barely pass the 40 point threshold.

Republican Primary

1st Place

Donald Trump

A blind man or Nate Silver could predict this one. Trump has many things going for him, beyond just this being his home state. In fact, you couldn’t build a better state for Trump, because it represents his entire coalition: he has urban moderate Republicans who are willing to say “hey, I’ll take the racism, what the hell!” and resentful, impoverished whites who are sick of men in bowties telling them what to do while they lose parts of their brains in foreign wars.

2nd Place

John Kasich

Remember those resentful whites of upstate? The ones that don’t break for Trump are natural Kasich voters, whose message of “they had it out for me….” and “I remember a man in the middle of town….really good guy….till they got him…[inaudible]” will resonate big. Don’t count him out in New York City and Long Island, either! In these areas, religious enclaves that spend their holy days washing vagrants will recognize the glint in Cuyahoga Johnny’s eyes and send him on the road with a full belly, a clean shirt, and a few delegates to trade for Oxycontin at the next stop.

3rd Place

Ted Cruz

New York is something of an outlier for Cruz. Sure, it has one of the country’s largest networks of trains, and where there are trains, there are for whatever reason Cruz supporters. However, Cruz’s constant harping on “New York values,” viral videos where he orders New York slices and hurls them at the ground to make some sort of mean-spirited point, and nightmare visage make him a long shot out here.

Cruz wouldn’t have been able to win New York if he was running against Jeb Bush wearing a t-shirt that simply read “If Being A ‘Cuck’ Means Loving Your Family, Well You Sir Can Cuck Me Up.” His hideous voice complaining about ad hominems would always be met with a baritone “ey I got your freakin’ hominem ova here.” As a proud New Yorker for 6 months, I say “good day, Senator Cruz. And fuggedaboutit!”

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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