Happy Independence Day, Digheads!
I wish the term “independence” applied to certain recipients of court-ordered alimony, but I digress: this is a day where we celebrate the bold dreamers who told King George “taxation without representation? Not a good look,” signed the Declaration, then sighed “RIP my mentions” as they prepared for war.
We honor this day by going crazy on a few cases of Michelobs, chowing down on hot dogs, and getting our online harassment-related PTSD triggered by firework displays.
But do we really know what this day is about?
We live in times of historic partisanship levels, of Donald Trump’s racist frog memes, of Hillary Clinton’s illegal emails.
This is not what the framers had in mind.
Now, a lot of people will say, “Carl, how do you know what the framers had in mind? They were highly stratified aristocrats who lived over 300 years ago and had entirely different concepts of politics and government than anyone alive today. In fact, to state that slaveowning —”
Let me stop you right there, Howard Zzzzinn. I know for sure what one Founding Father had in mind. His name was Alexander Hamilton, and I know his thoughts, feelings, motivations, and what he would think about 2016 because of a little musical called Hamilton.
So instead of giving you another wordy thinkpiece or ponderous polemic, I’m gonna give my hat tip to Mssrs. Lin Manuel Miranda and Alexander Hamilton…
PRESENTING: Hamilton 2016
[STAGE DIMS. Spotlight on HAMILTON and DONALD TRUMP]
Pardon me, are you Donald Trump, sir?
That depends, who is racist…er.
Why, I’m Alexander Hamilton and I invented the treasury
if you keep harassing reporters with your Pepes that’s considered a felony!
You’re a loser and fake, Alexander
rapping at me constitutes slander
I’ll build a yuge wall to keep the immigrants out!
no more of that freedom that you love to tout!
By your logic Mr. Trump, your ancestors were immigrants well!
so was Steve Jobs, and the iPhone is swell!
I’m done for. I renounce racism, harassment of reporters, and partisanship.
How does the bastard, orphan, son of a Scotsman and whore come to 2016 where there’s email scandals and more?
I may not be… ALEXANDER HAMILTON
or the FRAMERS of the CONSTITUTION!
but I was framed
in my EMAIL CRIMES
Your private server is a stomach turner
high crimes in overdrive like Bachman Turner
I wish you’d confess before the grand jury goes any further!
I did nothing against the law or out of the norm
in fact, get me the FBI on the horn!
Hillary, I’ve got you here, now that much is true
who’s gotten more emails from Sidney Blumenthal than you?
I confess to email treason and give up my nomination to Jim Webb. Thank you Hamilton.
Bernie Sanders is my name and rapping is my game!
I don’t give a care about the Constitution or the voices of dames!
My friend Killer Michael taught me how to rhyme
So Hamilton, I dare you to end my harassment on time!
Your supporters harass women like it’s a job
not that it’s a concern because they’re mom’s basement knobs
I invented the Bill of Rights but all you do is wrong
My name is Hamilton! That’s the end of this song!
I submit to die of old age on a mountain for atonement. I apologize to all WoC.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.