CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: A Brand New “Hamilton” Musical Penned By Yours Truly

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NEW YORK, NY - FEBRUARY 15: Composer, actor Lin-Manuel Miranda celebrates GRAMMY award on stage during "Hamilton" GRAMMY performance for The 58th GRAMMY Awards at Richard Rodgers Theater on February 15, 2016 in New York City. (Photo by Theo Wargo/Getty Images)

Happy Independence Day, Digheads!

I wish the term “independence” applied to certain recipients of court-ordered alimony, but I digress: this is a day where we celebrate the bold dreamers who told King George “taxation without representation? Not a good look,” signed the Declaration, then sighed “RIP my mentions” as they prepared for war.

We honor this day by going crazy on a few cases of Michelobs, chowing down on hot dogs, and getting our online harassment-related PTSD triggered by firework displays.

But do we really know what this day is about?

We live in times of historic partisanship levels, of Donald Trump’s racist frog memes, of Hillary Clinton’s illegal emails.

This is not what the framers had in mind.

Now, a lot of people will say, “Carl, how do you know what the framers had in mind? They were highly stratified aristocrats who lived over 300 years ago and had entirely different concepts of politics and government than anyone alive today. In fact, to state that slaveowning —”

Let me stop you right there, Howard Zzzzinn. I know for sure what one Founding Father had in mind. His name was Alexander Hamilton, and I know his thoughts, feelings, motivations, and what he would think about 2016 because of a little musical called Hamilton.

So instead of giving you another wordy thinkpiece or ponderous polemic, I’m gonna give my hat tip to Mssrs. Lin Manuel Miranda and Alexander Hamilton…

PRESENTING: Hamilton 2016

ACT I

[STAGE DIMS. Spotlight on HAMILTON and DONALD TRUMP]

CHORUS

2016!

Washington DC!

HAMILTON

Pardon me, are you Donald Trump, sir?

TRUMP

That depends, who is racist…er.

HAMILTON

Why, I’m Alexander Hamilton and I invented the treasury

if you keep harassing reporters with your Pepes that’s considered a felony!

TRUMP

You’re a loser and fake, Alexander

rapping at me constitutes slander

I’ll build a yuge wall to keep the immigrants out!

no more of that freedom that you love to tout!

HAMILTON

By your logic Mr. Trump, your ancestors were immigrants well!

so was Steve Jobs, and the iPhone is swell!

TRUMP

I’m done for. I renounce racism, harassment of reporters, and partisanship.

[Curtains]

ACT II

HAMILTON

How does the bastard, orphan, son of a Scotsman and whore come to 2016 where there’s email scandals and more?

HILLARY

I may not be… ALEXANDER HAMILTON

or the FRAMERS of the CONSTITUTION!

but I was framed

in my EMAIL CRIMES

HAMILTON

Your private server is a stomach turner

high crimes in overdrive like Bachman Turner

I wish you’d confess before the grand jury goes any further!

HILLARY

I did nothing against the law or out of the norm

in fact, get me the FBI on the horn!

HAMILTON

Hillary, I’ve got you here, now that much is true

who’s gotten more emails from Sidney Blumenthal than you?

HILLARY

I confess to email treason and give up my nomination to Jim Webb. Thank you Hamilton.

SANDERS

Bernie Sanders is my name and rapping is my game!

I don’t give a care about the Constitution or the voices of dames!

My friend Killer Michael taught me how to rhyme

So Hamilton, I dare you to end my harassment on time!

HAMILTON

Your supporters harass women like it’s a job

not that it’s a concern because they’re mom’s basement knobs

I invented the Bill of Rights but all you do is wrong

My name is Hamilton! That’s the end of this song!

SANDERS

I submit to die of old age on a mountain for atonement. I apologize to all WoC.

FINIS

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.