To Digheads, Digettes, haters, and Nate Silver
First, everyone understand that I tried my best to call Super Twosday with my usual accuracy. I love Super Twosday. I love elections. If anything is my problem, I love them too much.
Recently, I decided to call Hawaii when no one else would. I called friends there. I looked at Ted Cruz Facebook groups. I read comments from highly spectrum men that made no sense. Despite the complete mystery the state was, I decided to go for it. It was hard to put my record on the line, but I knew it was the right choice at the time.
It turned out Cruz’s team of highly unpleasant trainwatchers repelled Hawaiian Republicans. That wasn’t what hurt the most.
I called Michigan wrong. Everyone else did, too. Bernie somehow galvanized Prius Moms, while overconfident Hillary supporters voted for John Kasich because they got confused. I thought the misogynist vote would be split by Michiganders writing in Jim Webb. If you look at it this way, the people of Michigan actually failed me.
No other journalist saw this coming. They were all wrong, too. But they weren’t subjected to the violent mentions, taunting, and harassment that I was at the hands of Bernie supporters who lined up to see a former prisoner of war, a father of a beautiful boy, and a journalist fall. Most of what they say is totally made up. The stuff they say about me and certain “preferences” towards parts of anatomy, me being a “cuck,” it’s smears. But I was wrong. I failed everyone. Even if my record is still superior to Nate Silver’s, I failed.
I wish I had spent more time with the Beltway Boys, Michael Smerconish, Ron Fournier, and Jeff Gannon. All my favorite officials over the years, Oliver North, Lindsey Graham, Alan K. Simpson, I love you guys, and I would have never made it this far without you. KweenTrashWytch✨✨? What can I say. We had some great times. Thanks for teaching an old dog some new tricks.
I think of my life and I think I’ve mostly done the right things. But the outcome of my Super Twosday viral fail is something I can’t subject my son to. Colby should be able to move on with his round life.
My dad, Colonel Dig, taught me how to be in this world. He told me that Gary Powers was weak for not swallowing his cyanide pill. I always think about that.
Don’t feel sorry for me. I want to thank you all for giving me an interesting life. I got to see Simpson-Bowles, the 1998 House Speaker fight, and the rise and fall of Jim Wright. Please think of the real Dig and not this lost person.
Thanks for making my life special. I hope I helped yours.
Carl Allison “The Dig” Diggler
Written, Not Dictated
FROM: VIRGIL TEXAS, FELIX BIEDERMAN
Since our boss Carl has abdicated his responsibility to write his asinine daily column and is possibly dead, we are picking up his slack and writing the — ugh — “Dig’s Super Twosday Super Recap.” You might remember us as the members of Dig’s election team who went to New Hampshire to harass Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. God, we relished that opportunity to go to the Granite State with no strings attached and a limitless expense account. The women… the Mexican food (surprisingly good in New Hampshire)… the ample opportunity for a man to make a name for himself, free of the fetters of an obese alcoholic who thinks he’s some kind of elections guru. Anyway, here’s how Carl did on yesterday’s primaries:
Let’s start with Carl’s completely wrong prediction that Hillary Clinton would win the Michigan Primary. This seemed like a safe bet, considering that Clinton led in every poll by double digit margins. But Carl, like every other pundit swaddled in his rent-controlled fifth-floor apartment, based his prediction on an abject hatred of Bernie Sanders and his fight for income equality. We have tried to explain to Carl issues like student loan debts, exorbitant rents, and the high cost of living; but every time he would wave his hand and say something like “sons, you have to crack a few eggs if you want to get that delicious yellow goo inside.” Then he would get drunker. It’s no surprise that Carl Diggler completely failed to see that pissed-off Michiganders who have been getting the business end of inequitable trade deals for decades would come out in droves for Bernie.
A good friend of ours wrote the following:
The results in Michigan were yet another classic example of the ongoing war that the media (that’s you!) is waging against common sense and sound thinking. Did anyone really think Michigan voters would just stand by while Hillary tacitly endorsed the pollution of the great lakes through hydraulic fracturing (also known as fracking)? You did, apparently. Typical for someone who lives his life through the warped lens of Beltway logic.
According to Carl, “the black vote is in Hillary’s pocket. I should know, because I’m down with the swirl, famo.” Neither of us is really sure what this means, but the part about black voters pulling for Hillary was dead false: in the state where residents have been getting screwed for years by a white power structure responsible for poisoning their water and cutting their social services, a substantial number of black voters came out for Bernie.
To his credit, Carl foresaw the victories of Trump and Clinton in Mississippi, as well as Ted Cruz’s win in Idaho and John Kasich’s near-second place finish in Michigan. But can we talk about his smell for a second? How many people in your life do you know that have a smell? Not a fragrance, but a body odor, more of a stench. In Carl’s case, I say he smells like rotting leather shoes mixed with spoiled Binaca. Felix says Carl smells more like that disgusting spiky Indonesian fruit that nobody likes. We’ll have to agree to disagree on that.
Why do people even eat Durian fruit if it smells like s**t? There are other things to eat. Whatever.
Hawaii was very surprising. Carl instructed us that a “racism shortage,” whatever that means, would put a definitive ceiling on Trump in the Aloha state. He also stated that Cruz’s band of overeager full-spectrum Wikipedia editors would surely cajole voters at the caucuses to Trump’s side with their superior organizing and love of rules. He was wrong, as Trump boomed past all his rivals in short order. We don’t exactly know why Carl spent so much time on this state, but all indications seem to be that he wanted to spite other pundits who were too “soft” to call this race.
Sure, Idaho, Mississippi, and the Michigan Republican race went as planned, as Carl’s bizarre ethno-religious theories and cultish fascination with Ted Cruz’s demonic traits paid off big. People who are terrified that the UN is going to kill them, Mormons, and homophobic bakery owners all came out big for Cruz in Idaho. Trump crushed it with resentful whites who are “racist in a way that’s optimal for Trump” according to Carl. Kasich homelessly surged past others for a commanding second place win in Michigan. Hillary’s hold on the Deep South persisted.
One of the last things Carl told us is that “angry, resentful whites” prefer Trump in nearly all cases, and this was demonstrably true in Michigan. As a side note, Carl shouldn’t feel down on himself because his inscrutable and frankly offensive way of categorizing people seems to work pretty well. Wherever he is, maybe he’ll realize that.
We’ll see you at the debate tomorrow, unless Carl comes back.
-@virgiltexas and @ByYourLogic
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.