Every four years in February, the road from Iowa to New Hampshire becomes littered with the bodies of failed candidates. This year, mercifully, one of those bodies is that of Rand Paul.
The despicable Kentucky senator began his campaign in April of 2015, raising a pitiful $1 million dollars from involuntarily celibate Call of Duty livestreamers who all coordinated to steal money from their mothers’ purses at the same time. These humiliating “money bombs” were a hallmark of the Paul campaign. He employed Cash.me, a website reserved for financial dominatrixes who lead on good men then empty their hearts and their wallets, similar to how Rand treats the social outcasts that make up his base.
Waiting on results! Chip in $5 while we wait! https://t.co/78WPMcbQwP
— Dr. Rand Paul (@RandPaul) February 2, 2016
Let’s take a look back at the top 4 moments of hideous failure, humiliation, debasement, treason, betrayal, shortness, genetic faultiness, paternal disgrace, and viral fail-ness of Rand’s doomed waddle to the White House.
4. Chris Christie Destroys Rand
The cretinous Kentuckian tried to shame the also-doomed führer of New Jersey Chris Christie about his failure to adhere to the Fourth Amendment. Well, Christie was well within his rights to say “no one gives a shit, Rand.” But the fight escalated when Rand attacked the governor for hugging Barack Obama. Christie bellowed back at the diminutive Senator who possibly needs an oxygen tent to stay alive that the hugs he remembered were the hugs he gave out on 9/11. Rand was humiliated. Chris Christie spent the entire day of 9/11 suffocating grieving families in his sodium-bloated bosom, something Rand could never do. The audience knew then and there, Rand Paul isn’t the kind of guy who can console grieving Americans. He’s the kind of guy who causes them to grieve with his atrocious visage and dusty voice.
3. Trump Calls Paul Ugly
With the rise of Donald Trump, Rand thought he had a chance to deflate the quasi-white nationalist Zeppelin. Because he’s congenitally incompetent, he decided to interrupt Trump with the schoolmarm tone of a Wikipedia moderator who wants to tell you that ephebophilia and pedophilia are “totally different things”. Predictably, he was shot down mid-flight by a veritable anti air missile from The Donald, who called him ugly. The crowd erupted, as the billionaire magnate had metaphorically pulled down Rand’s pants and pointed to his mangled genitalia in front of everyone. As someone who’s been on the receiving end of the Donald’s famous abuse, I gotta say, he picked the right target that time.
2. The Reddit AMA
This was horrifying. Late in the campaign, Senator Toilet For A Mouth (R-Who Gives A Shit) decided to shore up support with his core group of fanatics. What this meant was going back to Reddit, a place where men who wear mirrors on their shoes to Forever 21 dressing rooms rule over men who trade memes about banning women from playing video games. The result was predictable; I’d say Rand debased himself, but in his horrifying brain, the jokes he engaged in were clever and novel. I’ll let these screenshots speak for themselves.
Wow! I can’t believe AgeIsJustANumber1982 and JokerHeisenberg couldn’t help you win Iowa! Maybe you should have said “epic bacon noms for Chewbacca like a boss,” you aberration in nature.
1. Cruz To Paul: Your Dad Calls Me Son
Fox moderator/Dick Tracy villain Bret Baier sparked the greatest public humiliation that Rand Paul ever experienced — which is saying a lot! The wide-faced TV newsman began by asking Rand about how he has let down his insane father Ron Paul so much that Paul Sr. deemed Ted Cruz the successor to “the liberty movement,” a made-up concept. Rand barely held it together as he strung together a headache-inducing word salad that just read as “I am a failure” to anyone with ears. The real fun came after eventual Iowa winner Ted Cruz declared that he is in fact Ron Paul’s real successor and implied he is also Ron’s real son. The messaging from Cruz was clear: yes, my skin quivers with every word I speak, my own children are terrified of my doll eyes, and my voice sounds how the Bible describes the hideous cries of Ziz, the Beast of the Sky, but Ron Paul is more proud of me than his biological son.
It’s no coincidence that Rand admitted he was a failure just days after this.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.