DEBATE REPORT CARD: Trump Bans Cussing! Carson Observes Weekday Sabbath! Marco Sworn In!

DEBATE REPORT CARD: Trump Bans Cussing! Carson Observes Weekday Sabbath! Marco Sworn In!

Read
(credit: Shutterstock)

Howdy, pardners! After taking in the huge Republican debate in Houston, I can say everything really is bigger in Texas… including the hangovers! So pour yourself a hair of the dog (I know a few candidates who’ll need a stiff drink) and read Professor Dig grade the candidates:

Report Card Template (6)

Completely Normal Audits

Anti-Cussing Policy

Respect For The Rules

Politeness To Cubans

Custody of Ben Carson

Meeting His Downfall

FINAL GRADE

B-

A

D-

D

B

Any Day Now

C+

The Donald came out tonight seeking to vanquish Marco Rubio, but unfortunately for the tycoon, Marco came with his fighting shoes! Trump attempted to interrupt and denigrate his rival by calling him a panicky failure, but the Floridian stood strong. Trump tried to shout him down like he did Jeb Bush, but didn’t account that the younger Rubio would lack Jeb’s cool older alpha assuredness that caused him to grimace and accept endless abuse. When Trump was talking, Rubio was also talking, and at several points talked slightly louder. Later, Trump pivoted to Cruz where he had better luck going after the Senator’s elder abuse scandal with Ben Carson. It was clear that Trump was trying to appeal to voters’ sense of humanity by a) slaying a deeply upsetting creature (Cruz), and b) standing up for a confused blind man. The polls will show if it does anything to stop Marcomentum.

 Report Card Template (1) (2)

Jeb-Esqueness

People Hired

Silver Medalist Confidence

Birthright Trip

Tear Withholding

Constant Mortal Terror

FINAL GRADE

A

0

B-

B+

A

A+

A-

To use a little Star Wars lingo, Marco Rubio is no longer Jeb’s padawan — he’s the Yoda now. Rubio expertly parried and smiled and dodged and shook his head when frontrunner Donald Trump attacked him for his lack of accomplishments and positions that are out-of-step with a majority of GOP voters. For instance, Trump said that Rubio was a pro-amnesty career politician loser who never had to hire anyone or run a successful business in his life. Rubio’s cool response? “Actually, Mr. Trump, you’re one to talk, sir.” I think we all met the GOP nominee tonight.

Report Card Template (2) (1)

Now’s The Moment, Ted

Perfect Time To Use That One We Rehearsed

Oh Man, He Has No Idea What He’s In For

Oh, This Sounded Quite Different In The Mirror

Well, Still Got The Gist Of It Out There

Well, Look At That, That Definitely Got To Him

FINAL GRADE

D

F

D-

C-

D

D

D

The terrifying bug person tried his best tonight, and by that I mean he rehearsed “zingers” that would bomb at a Scholastic Bowl in front of a mirror in his 1940s anti-masturbation PSA voice. The results were as uninspiring as expected; Trump attacked him for being unlikable, possibly insane, and a euthanasia candidate and Rubio attacked him over a major ethanol fail. As his very essence was being pilloried, his “well, if it isn’t our old friend your point. I believe you conceded it?”-type responses inspired millions of America to shout slurs on TV. If Cruz wants to even stop Trump from chipping away at his lead in Texas, he needs to apologize for how he is essentially a crime against God.

Report Card Template (3) (1)

My Kids Are Watching, Somewhere

You’re All Beautiful Men, Please Stop

Keep Your Voices Up The Bulls Will Hear

No Sir I Don’t Know These People

Hey! Hey!!!

Hey!!!!!

FINAL GRADE

A

B-

C+

D

B+

B

B+

The moderators ignored John Kasich all night, which suits the vagrant Ohio Governor just fine. So long as he has a warm place to stand, a podium he can keep his bindlestick in, and some nice hot lights to sun his weathered face upon, Gov. Kasich will be A-OK. The few times John Kasich was approached with a question, he did a decent job deflecting with a rambling story about his childhood, talking about a goat-and-donkey show and one-eyed neighborhood child who owned a lamp, filibustering until the moderators left him alone. Super Tuesday voters want a President who can think on his feet, and this plucky pastry-snatcher fit the bill.

Report Card Template (4) (1)

The Meek Shall Inherit

Please Attack Me, For I Have Sinned

I Cannot Answer Questions On The Weekday Sabbath

Mendicancy

Self- Flagellation

The Sacred Order Of Unseeing Eyes

FINAL GRADE

A+

A

A-

A+

A+

A+

A+

Carson is a man who’s always reinventing himself. Whether he’s a murderous child, a gifted neurosurgeon, or a Biblical prophet, he refuses to be complacent as a man. His newest iteration is as a Carmelite-style monk who through a holy vow can never respond to attackers and constantly seeks physical retribution for his original sin. Whether he was demanding his opponents attack him so he could atone to Elohim or hitting himself with a cat of nine tails if he was simply a bad boy who deserved that little sting, his new direction was noticed by all. Ted Cruz, a man who used to torment and gaslight Carson to the point of using acoustic tricks to disorient the famously-unseeing doctor, was dumbfounded and too afraid to attack a man all too ready to attack himself. I long suspected Mister Hands knew something we all didn’t, and I was right.

Report Card Template (5) (1)

Timer Tone Selection

Response Allowing

Question Length

Keeping It Germane

Ben Carson Enabling

Urination Breaks

FINAL GRADE

A

A-

B+

A+

A+

D-

A-

My fellow newsmen (and newslady) did an excellent job keeping the candidates honest and within time limits. Sure, Donald Trump may have shushed a few of the ladies, and Hugh Hewitt may have made Ben Carson cry by not paying enough attention to him, but at the end of the day, the CNN team did a tough job, and they did it well. Thanks to them we got to hear the candidates answer substantive questions like, “Mr. Trump, how high will your wall be?” and “Senator Rubio, will you say something to Senator Cruz please?” Only one complaint: if you folks want to hold the candidates to :25 responses and :08 rebuttals, maybe hire a veteran journo like yours truly to lay down the law. I’d like to see Donald Trump try to talk over the Dig!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.