DEBATE REPORT CARD: Hillary Pees! Bernie Pesters! Jim Webb Wins In Absentia!

Read
(credit: Shutterstock)

Call it the politico’s New Year’s Eve; in the last debate of 2015, there wasn’t a lot of champagne being popped (The Dig is a grenadine and Canadian Club man), but things got animated! The Dig has you covered.

Report Card Template (1)

Bladder Size

Urine Sympathy Vote

Commissary

5th Amendment

Snapchat

Vine

FINAL GRADE

D-

A

$321.24

Pled

A+

A+

B-

Let’s address the monkey in the room: Hillary’s bathroom issues. Midway through the debate she bolted from the stage clutching the front of her skirt, leaving the moderators and other candidates wondering when she’d be back. After 20 minutes she returned acting as if nothing had happened and ready to explain which planes she’d shoot down in a Syrian no-fly zone.

Astute observers will note that excessive urination is a symptom of anxiety — and Hillary has a lot to be anxious about considering that, by my estimation, she’s easily facing 100+ years in federal prison over her extremely illegal private e-mail server. Perhaps she was just trying to get in as many luxurious private bathroom uses before she’s forced to share an iron-barred suite with three other cons.

Now, the Dig has had his differences with Hillary, from her involvement with the Travelgate treason to her less-than-full throated support for the bipartisan Patriot Act. But when it comes to medical issues, as far as I’m concerned, we are all chronic urination sufferers.

The Dig has definitely missed some big moments due to urination issues, like the time it came out in four (!) streams right when Ahmad Chalabi was about to do a comedy skit with Frank Caliendo at the 2002 White House Press Correspondents dinner. And don’t get me started on the time a bug came out of there. Adding in the bladder sympathy vote, future felon Hillary gets a B- for the night.

Report Card Template

Canine Underbite

World Cup Hatred

Utter Confusion

Eternal Wandering

Emotional Self Regulation

Respect of Moderators

FINAL GRADE

F

D-

D

F

F

D-

F

The much-hyped title fight over Bernie’s staff of cretinous neckbeard asexuals illegally downloading voter lists ended with a typical Brooklyn whimper when the senior Vermont Senator apologized to Hillary and dropped the issue. Just like every other old person with tech problems, Bernie completely gave up and resigned to the slow crawl of death.

Other highlights included his constant pestering of moderators to let him talk, almost as if he was desperately demonstrating to his dashiki-clad grandchildren that he is competent enough to remain outside of assisted living for a few more years. He pretended that King Abdullah of Jordan was his friend, as if this alpha male pilot would pick him and not Jim Webb to be his wingman. Finally, he ended with dual assaults on the World Cup and Wall Street. Hey, Senator Sanders: who do you think is giving you those sweet returns on your Burlington Fruit Cooperative Employees’ Pension and keeping your worthless body alive even in your advanced years? I thought so. I’ll give this to Bernie, he’s exactly as petulant and ungrateful as his anime-addicted fanbase.

Report Card Template (2)

Posture

Hair Opacity

Genetics

9/11

The Hustle

Mouth/Nose Wetness

FINAL GRADE

A+

B

A+

B-

B

B

A

In a few months Hillary will be in prison and Bernie will be tarred and feathered. So with the nomination pretty much in the bag, O’Malley looked forward to the general election and went hard against his presumptive opponent, Donald Trump. Sure, the talkative New Yorker has spoken volumes about his attractive daughter Ivanka, but Governor O’Malley is the type of man who knows how to let his confidence speak for himself. When America saw Tara O’Malley at that first debate, the charming Eastern Seaboard politico knew the time for talking was over.

He further demonstrated his alpha assuredness of his guaranteed nomination by interjecting at random to talk up his massive accomplishments as Governor of Maryland, and closed the night in perfect fashion: while candidates Clinton and Sanders prattled on about the role of the First Spouse in terms of expanding the massive Arkansas Death List and foster homes respectively, O’Malley played it close to the vest. That’s because everyone knows that if he becomes Commander in Chief, the first thing he’ll do is take the First Lady and get to work on creating another stunner! I know reporters are supposed to be impartial, but even I am impressed here.

Report Card Template (3)

Aim

Bench

Weapons Proficiency

Democrat Type

Collar

Substance

FINAL GRADE

True

365 Lbs

Universal

Reagan

Blue

A+

A+

While drummed out of the debates presumably by pacifist pro-Bernie elements and Hillary email crooks in the Democratic party, aggressive moderate Webb won in spirit tonight. Yes, Hillary dithered on whether or not she’d shoot down a Russian Sukhoi over a Syrian no-fly zone, but with Webb, we know we get no “maybes.” Right now, the Vietnam veteran is in Homs, Syria with an FM-92 Stinger Missile from his own private collection, actively trying to shoot down Russian Air Force jets.

It’s no secret The Dig is a big fan of “The Game of Thrones.” On the hit show, fan-favorite Petyr Baelish once opined “in a better world, […] love overcomes strength and duty […]. But we don’t live in that world.”

In a better world, Jim Webb’s love of bipartisan victories and moderation would overcome the strength of populism.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.