DEBATE REPORT CARD: Hillary Wins Clemency! Bernie Hates Speech! My Editor Betrays Me!

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With a last-minute debate, drama was in the air! While Bernie Sanders was excited to shout incoherently for another hour before his 15 minutes expires, Hillary Clinton was clearly frustrated to be there. She took her aggression out on the Vermont senator in a debate sure to be remembered for the ages.

On to the grades:

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Da Mooslim King

Now Hold On One Minute

Inspiring Death Threats

Violent Body Language

Hypocrisy

Wearing Out His Welcome

FINAL GRADE

F

F

A

A

A

A

F

Senator Crybaby set the tone for tonight by tearing into Hillary for making paid speeches for Goldman Sachs. Let me educate you, Bernie. I’ve made quite a few speeches in my life. I’ve spoken for the Sultan of Brunei at his Western Thought Leaders (for seven weeks, in fact!), the Azerbaijani Fisherman’s Commercial Group, Amway, Toastmasters, and Bernard L. Madoff Investment Securities LLC. I wasn’t bought by any of these parties. In fact, I had to pay for my own participation at two of these events. Maybe spend less time directing the erasure of feminists and making speeches and you’ll realize how foolish you sound.

Like a stupid infant who has soiled himself then tumbles into the trash, Bernie somehow made things worse. When it came to foreign policy, his ideas were “we gotta get da Mooslim kings ta stop ISIS.” This stood in contrast to Hillary, who rightfully punished Libya for tolerating Qaddafi by reducing half their nation to a Salafist theocracy and earned the praise of former Secretary of State/family friend Henry Kissinger. This fringe candidate has overstayed his welcome.

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Rage

Emails

Mercy Killing

Regular Killing

Toastmasters Level

Resistance  To Harassment

FINAL GRADE

A

F

B+

B-

12

A+

A-

Hillary’s campaign has been replete with fun memes, wacky Vines, and hysterical hip hop-style “dab” dances, but she got serious tonight. For the first 17 minutes, she showed the fury of a person scorned. She assaulted Sanders, demanding he explicitly state his accusations against her. What voters saw was clear: it looked like the responsible but stern eldest daughter of a family looking after her Alzheimer’s-riddled father (Bernie), but losing her patience and berating him for his constant outbursts. Their frustration grows with hers. They wonder if she’ll just shoot him or smother him with a pillow, and they don’t blame her.

Later, Hillary spoke policy. On Wall Street, she said that they’ve “beaten me down for years, and I know how to deal with them.” On a personal note I’ve also been habitually assaulted my entire career. It’s hardened me, and showed me how to deal with the hate. Hillary may be arrested any day now, but she won some clemency from voters tonight.

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Knowing What A President Does

Ah Senator Answer Me These Riddles Three

Riddle The First: This Enemy Is The Worst

Second Query To Be Filled: How Should Assad Be Killed?

Riddle The Third, Should Women Be Heard?

Moderation

FINAL GRADE

A+

B+

A+

B-

B+

C-

A

Ginger Quizmeister Chuck Todd did a good job keeping order. This is no small task: all night, Chuck Todd was caught between an angry, yelling misogynist and an e-mail traitor rumored to be behind 90% of unsolved murders in Little Rock. But my colleague Chuck held his own, asking tough questions about how to rank America’s enemies in a listicle format that can be comprehended by Millennials.

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Zingers

LOL Moments

Memeworthiness

Style

Hair

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A

A

A+

B

Grow It Out!

B-

A

A little too biased for my taste, but the MSNBC firecracker’s zingers and bon mots were delightful! And I know that more than a few fellas leapt to attention when she started having it out with Hillary.

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Judgment

Talent Recognition

Respect For Veteran Reporters

New Hampshire Coverage

Feeding The Trolls

Ageism

FINAL GRADE

F-

F

F

D-

A+

F-

D-

My editor Blake “Judas” Zeff chose to have CAFE’s New Hampshire primary election coverage anchored by two ne’er-do-well internet trolls who cumulatively possess less than a fraction of the experience this 30-year veteran of Beltway reporting has. That’s right, instead of sending Carl Diggler to New Hampshire to grill Jeb, Marco, Bernie, and Hillary about their viral wins of the week, Blake is sending two Millennial tyros named Virgil Texas and Felix Biederman to sleep until noon, roll out of bed without putting on a decent pair of chinos or respectable Patagonia half-zip fleece, then ambush Carly Fiorina or Chris Christie at a pancake breakfast to beg them for health care or to pay their student loans. Way to put your best foot forward, Blake. If I weren’t such a loyal company man I would consider a lawsuit for discrimination, seeing as this company isn’t brave enough to send a newsman with Hellenic Inner Ear disorder to Nashua.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman.” Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.