DEBATE REPORT CARD: Carly Slays! Carson Possibly Blind! Santorum Stands Up for Dads!

DEBATE REPORT CARD: Carly Slays! Carson Possibly Blind! Santorum Stands Up for Dads!

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What a night. The Dig loves debates, and two in one night — while having a new girlfriend — could potentially make his head explode.

Possible? Sure. Probable? Probably not.

And with that, on to the debate report card!

B- Ben Carson

Cataracts Object Permanence Drowsiness Respect Of Military Institutions Knife Skills Substance FINAL GRADE
F C- C F B+ B B-

A bit of a letdown. With my timeline abuzz with hilarious snark about Carson’s pyramid snafu, we were all expecting an explanation, but we got nothing. Beyond that, the possibly-unseeing surgeon acquitted himself well enough. Carson’s voice, which seems to come from outside his body and trail on about topics totally unrelated to what surrounds him, is reminiscent of God speaking from the burning bush. It’s no wonder that he’s generated so much support from the Revelation branch of the GOP. Carson scored a critical hit as he pointed out that while he may have lied about his past, Hillary Clinton got four men killed in Benghazi on purpose, effectively cutting off his flank. Dr. Magoo is going to need a little more than pithy (yet slurred) responses if he wants to fully come back from his disgusting lies about West Point, however.

F Rand Paul

Petulance Colic Shrieks Height Respect For Process Worthiness of Being Alive FINAL GRADE
D+ F D- D- F D- F

The weasel on two legs started the night off in now-typical ignominy. First, he shrieked an incoherent “correction” about TPP as titans Trump and Fiorina did battle. Newsflash, you dung beetle, this isn’t Scholastic Bowl! As if that weren’t enough, the bottom-feeding grotesque attacked the military a day before Veteran’s Day. Anyone watching this debate didn’t see a candidate: they saw a malicious child who should be drawn and quartered. Hey Senator, next time you want to lecture on Syria, consider airdropping into Damascus with a target on your back! Just kidding, but seriously, the pomposity of this dung beetle was simply remarkable.

A Carly Fiorina

Intersectionality Feminism Thirst Shade Thotting Yaaaaas FINAL GRADE
A A- B- B- A+ A+ A

Slay Queen Carly set a thirst trap for the unlit broservatives on stage, who all tried to mansplain their way out of it and failed. As an intersectional feminist courtesy my Tumblr girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨, I should know. These ratchet side dicks attempted to throw shade but still couldn’t erase Carly’s experience as a proud literal HP CEO goddess. Also, hey moderators: stick to gaslighting a basic ass bitch like Rand or Jeb. Queen Carly is finna gunshot gunshot gunshot and dollar sign yo’ votes and monaaayyy from you whether you finna a pay a female for emotional labor or nah!

B- Marco Rubio

Deadbeat Parents Welder Salaries Candy Crush Referencing Face Freshness Childlike Wonder Illegitimate Son FINAL GRADE
F B A+ A- B N/A B-

Senator Tyke again led off by referencing his deadbeat parents in a shallow attempt to lower expectations for himself. But he saved himself by talking about Candy Crush and the impracticality of a philosophy degree, two things that will resonate with any proud parent who wants the best for his round millennial. If Rubio makes voters think he’ll govern the country like he’s governed his four legitimate and one believed-illegitimate children, he’ll be a factor to tussle with in Iowa and beyond.

D Ted Cruz

Whining Adenoids Commerce Department Commerce Department Kallipolis Caucus Top Level Domain Name FINAL GRADE
D D C- C- A- F D

Cruz tried to find himself as a voice of moderation between the increasingly homeless complaints of Governor John Kasich, the antiquated screams of tripe pile Rand Paul, and the stutters of Jeb Bush. In the midst of this, the gelatinous firebrand tried to portray himself as the reasoned, intellectual conservative. It’s no doubt that young people and the last surviving members of the John Birch Society alike cheered at his championing of the gold standard. And let’s face it, his voice is just plain commanding. Unfortunately, few have forgotten his repulsive tirade against the moderators during the last debates. In the next month, maybe Cruz can write an apology or two to the media, who do a thankless job.

B Donald Trump

LOLness “You’re Fired!” Wow, He Said That-ness Complete And Total Elimination of Mexicans Yuuge! Substance FINAL GRADE
B A- B- C B- B+ B

The biggest personality in the debate showed up in force. Fresh off his knee-slapping and viral-ready SNL appearance, The Donald showed up, doling out zingers right and left. Literally, no one was safe from the mogul’s ire.This will be an epic night to remember for all lovers of viral politics. Not to be forgotten: he reiterated that Mexican immigrants are criminals and should be forced out of the U.S. at gunpoint. It was certifiable ROFL after LMAO for Mr. Trump.

C- Jeb Bush

Father Resemblance Deference Leather Jacket Teacher’s Pet May I Use The Bathroom Please I Have To Go FINAL GRADE
D A+ D- B C- C- C-

What happened to the new Chill Dude Jeb? Tonight we saw a feeble teacher’s pet who felt happier following the moderators’ instructions than trying to bed the captain of the cheerleader squad. We in the press corps appreciate your respect, but swing voters won’t respect a wimp

C- John Kasich gloomy yellow

Bathroom Privileges Phone Charge Bindle Stick Cleanliness Boxcar Accessibility Not Causing Any Trouble God Bless You Ma’am FINAL GRADE
D only 22% B+ C- A- B C-

As predicted, the Ohioan faced closed door after closed door tonight. First, there was his fracas with Trump. It’s understandable given their history, as Governor Kasich has been ejected from numerous Trump hotels despite not doing anything illegal and only wanting to use a phone, but Fox Business saw a needy train-hopper pestering a wealthy mogul. The happy-go-lucky hobo’s attitude simply didn’t play at the venue; his eagerness for bailouts and generous bottle deposits garnered boos, and will not help his case when he inevitably turns to the crowd for gas money once the cameras cut. His constant pleas for attention were met with silence, as the crowd of business people were well-trained in ignoring beggars en route to work. With a month plus until the next debate, Kasich needs to hit the road, endear crowds with his Jimmy Stewart-esque voice, and get everyone who has it out for him off his back.

A Lindsey Graham

Gone But Not Forgotten Old Soldiers Don’t Die They Fade Away But No Man Is Ever Left Behind FINAL GRADE
A A A A A A A

An insult that will never be forgotten. The universally beloved officer’s presence was felt in the emptiness of the stage, and in his ads complaining that he wasn’t there. His Twitter feed was a voice of the people, retweeting all those clamoring for the military commander’s presence. These remind me of dispatches from the French resistance during the German occupation of Paris. Hopefully they will be similarly vindicated:

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THE UNDERCARD:

C Chris Christie

Volume (sound) Volume (space) 9-5 Lunchpailness 9/11 Cyberwar Substance FINAL GRADE
B+ A- B- D C+ C C

Christie tried to fit in the empty combat boots left by Lindsey Graham by talking tough about China, threatening the People’s Republic with a visit from the notoriously unlikable governor. It must be said that this may have been personal, though; China did hack Christie’s emails as part of a wider hacking of government officials. This of course, revealed sensitive New Jersey state secrets, like the plans for new gravel paving in Bergen County and Christie’s inflammatory emails to Chip Kelly.

B Bobby Jindal

Strength Dexterity INT Charisma HP Mana FINAL GRADE
C A- A F C- B+ B

Bobby Jindal was a man on a mission: to defeat Mike Huckabee, the next most powerful boss standing in the way of him and the nomination. The wonkish governor played a truly strategic game; with hulking behemoth George Pataki and elite war hero Lindsey Graham wiped from the history books by an unjust Republican party, he saw his chance to build his stats. He spent the night at the kid’s table going at second strongest character (Mike Huckabee), beating up on the cleric-class backwoods fool all in preparation for his battle with Chris Christie.

F Mike Huckabee

Reckonin’ Refugee Name Identification Racist Uncle Chain E-mails That Feller Was Jawin About Me Now Wait A Gosh Darn Minute This Ain’t Right FINAL GRADE
F F F D- D- D- F

After Bobby Jindal’s withering attacks, Huckabee gave his best Sunday School Substitute Teacher Who’s Had It Up To Here impression and whined to the moderators about not getting time to respond. Sorry, Huck, but speaking time is for closers, not for yokels to use to wave around a decomposing possum and ramble about how many jobs were created in Arkansas’ chaw and incest industries.

A+ Rick Santorum

Who? Who? Who? Who? Who? Father’s Rights FINAL GRADE
N/A N/A N/A N/A N/A A+ A+

Rick Santorum was a non-factor in the debate until he brought up his support for reuniting fathers with their families. The Dig suspects father’s rights is 2016’s big sleeper issue. That family courts can restrict good fathers — men respected for their political analysis both inside the Beltway and out, mind you — to two supervised visits per month is criminal. Furthermore, there are plenty of adult men who haven’t seen their fathers in years because they’re on secret assignment in the Middle East. Santorum was brave to speak for them, and maybe, just maybe, they’ll be his voice on Election Day.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman.” Got a tip for The Dig? Email him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet @carl_diggler.