DEBATE REPORT CARD: Bernie Tantrums! Hillary’s 9/11 Donors Score! O’Malley Attends!

DEBATE REPORT CARD: Bernie Tantrums! Hillary’s 9/11 Donors Score! O’Malley Attends!

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Needless to say, it’s a somber time, following the tragic terrorist attacks in Paris. Indeed, when I took my Tumblr girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨ out shoe shopping today, the steely gazes and cold stares we were met with at the JC Penney outlet in Woodbury were reminiscent of 1942 London during the Blitz. Clearly, people were on edge, their fears expressed through regressive remarks asking if I’m her “father.”

Yet terrorism and misogyny couldn’t keep us from a blissful day of gift-buying (boy, girlfriends can be expensive!), followed by some “debate and chill” at Casa de Dig. Saturday night we saw passion, disagreement, and real human connection — and I don’t just mean on stage! It’s safe to say the game has changed, both in the Democratic primary and in my life. And now, the report card:

bernie

Composure

Mansplaining

Tantrums

Misogynoir

Entitlement

Substance

FINAL GRADE

C-

F

D+

F

C-

B

D+

The messy-haired toddler in an old man’s body did what everyone expected him to do. With the debate refocused to national security, this Jacobite nincompoop responded by balling his fists, holding his breath till he turned blue, and hoping against hope he’d get his way. When asked about ISIS, Sanders went on an uninteresting tirade about campaign finance. When asked about Wall Street, he odiously referred to “broad issues,” going with the classic trashboi myth that women’s issues aren’t all our issues. He proceeded to mumble that all millennials deserve free Zunes or whatever. Great.

Punctuating the action were his frequent mansplanations to Hillary Clinton. At one point he called her “not good enough.” What woman is good enough for you, Bernie? You think you deserve a 9 or 10? Not with that toxic whiteboy attitude.

Yes, Hillary is possibly headed to federal prison due to her explosive emails to Sidney Blumenthal, but choosing to attack her on her votes nine years ago instead? Noted, Bernie. In a wink to his woman-hating supporters, he called for the return of Glass-Steagal, clearly a dog-whistle for the glass ceiling that reinforces the patriarchy.

Most offensively, he mocked our Islamic friends by childishly referring to them as “Mooslims.” Hey Senator, you’re not running for class clown. Grow up.

hillary

Jewels

Prison Evasion

Perfect Feminist Response

9/11 Donors

Gender

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A-

B-

B

A+

A+

C

A-

The queen showed up tonight! Hillary set the tone for the evening when, after the collicky protests of Senator Baby and nonsensical tremors from Governor O’Whatever, she laid down the gauntlet and said “Come at me, bros.” Hillary stood up to the boy’s club’s vicious attacks on her donors by stating she was paid for her emotional labor by Wall Street after 9/11.

It reminded millions around the country that while Bernie was doing naked poetry readings and O’Malley was doing something or other, Hillary was knee deep in the bones and disembodied limbs of Ground Zero. Her opponents expect her to be a free shoulder for 9/11 victims to cry on. But the female megadonors to Hillary’s campaign have just three words: Treat. Yo. Self!

Hillary’s ~* A E S T H E T I C *~ said more than mere words could. In my opinion, her aggressive pearls screamed, “I’m spoiled by my piggies.” Maybe this actually hurt her with cash-strapped male voters and 30-year political analysts, whose girlfriends demanded their own copy of Queen Clinton’s necklace and earrings. What with those hard-to-increase Diner’s Card limits and absurd studio apartment rent prices, that’s a squeeze even on a veteran journalist’s salary. Yet, overall her outfit screamed: “I am a modern woman who doesn’t have to sacrifice femininity for success.” On that, my girlfriend and I are in lock-step.

Report Card Template (1)

Got To Be On Stage With Hillary Clinton

Story To Tell Grandkids

URL, Twitter Account Possessing

Mouth Wetness

Resting Heart Rate

Whatever

FINAL GRADE

A+

B+

B+

C-

A+

N/A

B

O’Malley moments were few and far between. There was one firecracker moment when he accused Bernie of having “weak-T,” a critical hit on the low testosterone elderly novelty candidate. Beyond that, he mispronounced Hillary’s name, mumbled that people should give him money, and generally sounded like he drank a pint of half-and-half before the evening. Since there’s nothing to say about the Governor of something-or-other, I want to break character and get personal for a moment. Men: listen up.

Tonight we saw candidates complain about having “only” 30 seconds to answer some questions about ISIS or bailouts. Take it from me, guys: there’s a lot you can get done in 30 seconds.

Tip O’Neill once said that “all politics are local.” The same goes for intimacy. You need to build consensus, figure out what’s acceptable to both parties, and reach around the aisle.

But there are differences too. Where in politics you are rewarded for being proactive, you may find the opposite in personal intimacy. Often, you have to fall back and let your partner find her groove. In Congress, the more time the better — after all, big filibusters and speeches are the stuff of legend. In the personal arena though, 30 seconds can contain a veritable universe of pleasure and discovery.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.