DEBATE REPORT CARD: Bernie Tries to Murder Hillary! B+ for Nancy Reagan!

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I’ve always said, Super Saturday is just the Super Tuesday that lets her hair down and lets it all hang out for a wild weekend. The tradeoff for all that fun, however, is unpredictability. Yes, while I was accurate in my typical sharpshooter, almost Chris Kyle manner, I missed on one state.

My patented prediction system based on experience and gut instinct served me well this weekend. I predicted that the weathered Rapture Ready Christians of Kansas would caucus for Ted Cruz, and the leering, car door-locking fundamentalists of Kentucky would pull for Donald Trump, and I was right. In fact, my friends and colleagues at Nate Silver’s FiveThirtyEight forecast the wrong result in Kansas, despite their attempts to claim otherwise. Their algorithm correctly called just two of the three contests they bothered to guess at this weekend. That’s a 67% accuracy rate. I called 8 of the 9 races. That’s 89%.

Wading into these tough races that other prognosticators were too afraid to take a stab at, perfecting my genetic modeling of Christian voters, beating the polls in Kansas — any one of these is enough for the Dig to declare victory. But I refuse to. Because I’m a perfectionist, and it’s that one state I called wrong that haunts me.

I predicted that Donald Trump, who won neighboring Massachusetts by a landslide, would win Saturday’s Maine caucus. Instead, Ted Cruz won. What happened?

Well, after giving myself an especially-painful Failure Bruise, I went online and delved deep into genealogical data of Mainers, and what I discovered filled me with speechless horror and wonkishness. For you see, gentle reader, that within the bodies of Maine Republicans lurks an abnormality. Oozing within their veins is not blood, but a thick and quite foreign ichor that is ice cold to the touch. These ichthyic caucus-goers possess queer narrow heads with flat noses and bulgy, stary eyes, and they are overwhelmingly concerned with repealing Obamacare and the 14th Amendment. Ted Cruz’s chewed bubblegum skin, sturgeon eyes, and pedantic banshee voice don’t have a “ew, what is that” factor as they do in the rest of America; they have a “hey, there’s a guy I could have a can of krill with” factor. Simply put, Maine’s Deep One hybrids voted for a fellow genetic aberration because they see him as one of their own. So let us lock away these unhallowed projections and leave this accursed Maine, before the horror consumes us both.

Now for my recap of the Flint Democratic debate. But first, a very special report card:

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Warmth

Class

Future Pundits Saved From Drug Abuse

Miss Cleo Endorsement

Afterlife Loyalty

Substance

FINAL GRADE

A-

A

A+

A-

C-

B-

B+

Like many of my friends in the pundit class I met the passing of former first lady Nancy Reagan with great sadness. I wrote some of my very first news articles (“Are George McGovern Lads Harassing Women Of Color On CB Radio?,” Henry Wirz High School Press) when Ronnie and Nancy were in the White House.

As a child of a single parent, growing up I could tell from the covers of “Newsweek” and “American Renaissance” that I was a youth at high risk of becoming a superpredator. But watching Nancy Reagan on Diff’rent Strokes exhorting us to “just say no” gave me the strength to overcome the temptation to experiment with Thalidomide, study hard, and get accepted to the first and so far only coeducational class at Wellesley.

It’s no exaggeration that I owe my life and success to Nancy Reagan’s leadership and example. I do have to take points off for her failure to follow her husband’s final wishes and accede to being buried with him in his ziggurat in Simi Valley following his death in 2004. Still, at the pearly gates she can honestly say that she was a solid B+ of a First Lady. Rest in peace, Nancy.

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Gaslighting

Self-Hatred

Verbal Violence

Shirt Choice

Respect For WoC

Voice Modulation

FINAL GRADE

A

A-

A

F

D-

F

D

I refuse to address you after what you did. Your misogynist drivel deserves no response. Since you ghosted Hillary Clinton — on the night of the passing of another First Lady, no less — I shall do the same to you, sir.

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First Off, WTF?

Second, Are You Ok?

I Can’t Believe He Did That

If It Would Make You Comfortable, Do You Want To Take Your Shoes Off?

Just Let Your Feet Breathe While I Make You A Sanka, I’m So Sorry He Did That

I Apologize For My Gender

FINAL GRADE

A+

A+

B

A

A-

A

A-

The big moment of the night for Hillary was pretty obvious. The world was shocked when Bernie put his finger in the air and said “I’m still talking” as Hillary tried to lean in and amplify her own voice. It was an act of violence that unfortunately destroyed the innocence of many young people watching. While my son Colby was not watching with me, as a so-called family court capriciously ruled I enjoy certain refreshments too much (by whose standards, a prissy judge’s? I’m an adult journalist.) during debates and thus cannot have custody on those days, I can imagine what he would have said. He would have said “Papa Dig, why is that man killing that woman?” And he’d have been right. If Colby were my daughter, he would have probably kicked the TV over. It’s simply incredible that a US Senator running for the office of President of the United States could make my hypothetical daughter that upset with his misogyny.

Clinton obviously handled herself well and provided the perfect feminist clapback throughout the night, but I’d like to take this space to let any Dig-ettes (or even potential Dig-ettes) reading this know that I don’t accept this behavior when whiny infantile gimmick candidates do it, nor do I when it’s happening online. If a man is hectoring you because you shared one of my articles, or retweeted me, or had an opinion of your own, slide into my DMs. It’s safe there for you, and you can just relax while I destroy whatever bro is harassing you with the logic and grit of a veteran journalist. Seriously, ladies, this is all of our fight. I will stand toe to toe with you. I support you. @carl_diggler.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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