DEBATE PREVIEW: Why Whiny Bernie Doesn’t Deserve Voter Lists & Should Renounce Socialism

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With the Iowa caucuses just weeks away, the two parties’ debates have dominated the news cycle. This Tuesday saw a badass Jeb Bush devastate his competition, and with another explosive email scandal rocking the Democratic party this all feels like the 4th of July in December!

Without further ado, here’s the outlook for the Good (Martin O’Malley’s all-star genetics), the Bad (Hillary’s emails), and the Ugly (every single thing about Bernie Sanders).

Hillary Clinton

(DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)
(DON EMMERT/AFP/Getty Images)

Yesterday, the Twittersphere erupted as Hillary’s camp alleged Bernie Sanders’ campaign team of entitled, patchy-bearded racist misogynists illegally downloaded their voter lists. I’ve forgotten more about the Clintons than most will ever learn, so I can tell you this is an exciting new wrinkle in Hillary’s game.

With a 50 percent chance of facing life in federal prison for having her own email server, Hillary used classic political jiu-jitsu to turn the tables on feeble baby Bernie, slamming the gimmick candidate to the mat with a force only equal to the destruction of a certain Libyan embassy she engineered. We’re in the playoffs now, and a veteran lunchpail candidate like Hillary lives to humiliate rank amateurs like she’ll do tonight.

Bernie Sanders

bernie gift guide
(credit: Getty)

His campaign barely hanging on by a thread, Sanders desperately sued the Democratic National Committee yesterday for not letting him download whatever he wants — and now he reportedly has an agreement to use the voter file again. Memo to Bernie: Napster got shut down for a reason. Go trade your Phish tapes with other degenerates.

Folks, it’s December. Silly season is over, and it’s time for joke candidates like the Socialist Bernie and Libertarian Rand to quietly go away so adults like Hillary and Jeb can discuss the real issues, like how high to raise the retirement age and which Muslims are the good ones. It’s an affront to the political process that Bernie feels entitled to the DNC’s voter lists when he doesn’t even deserve a copy of the Yellow Pages. But what do you expect? His supporters are entitled misogynist brats who expect everything from voters’ addresses to right swipes on Tinder handed to them on a silver platter. Sorry, kiddos, but the real world doesn’t work that way. Props to visionary DNC chair Debbie Wasserman-Schultz for finally ghosting this whiny crank.

Bernie stands to do even worse on stage tonight. The New Hampshire crowd of meth-abusing survivalists are just another fly in the Vermonter’s ointment. This is a group of people so fanatical about their freedom they changed their state motto to “Live Free Or Die” from “Not Rhode Island” in 1945, possibly to tell President Harry Truman they were ready to be nuked if he dared raise their taxes. They’ll receive the socialist about as well as they’d take a reminder to bathe.

Worth noting, Bernie Sanders actually chose to go to the USSR for his honeymoon. As a recent captive of this evil empire, I can say with complete personal confidence that if he truly enjoyed his experience that he shouldn’t be allowed to leave his home without supervision. Bernie’s best chance to avoid being laughed at by an entire nation is to loudly agree with Clinton in his absurd stuttering cadence, disavow his fanatical supporters who canvass door to door just so they can instruct women to listen to them, and renounce socialism.

Martin O’Malley

martin o'malley
(Credit: Getty)

Is Martin O’Mentum finally waning? I don’t know about you, but I’m sick of hearing so much buzz about this telegenic insider. It seems like every day I’m getting a bombshell press release about yet another endorsement for the ex-Maryland governor from a former Annapolis school board member or A-list Vine celeb. And don’t even get me started about his genetically-perfect daughters, who are sure to be sitting front and center in the debate hall to see their dad brag about his perfect establishment credentials. I, for one, refuse to play along with the hype. Yes, he’ll be the nominee once Hillary is in prison and Bernie is tarred and feathered, but the media has an obligation not to make this race a coronation. O’Malley needs to be hit with tough questions tonight, so we can all see if the presumptive Democratic nominee is battle-tested enough to take on Jeb in November.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.