County Sheriff David Clarke Resigns To Spend More Time With His Fake Medals

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Milwaukee County Sheriff David Clarke resigned this Thursday as rumors about deaths (read: homicides) in his jail swirled.

While the Sheriff did not express why he resigned in his letter, we can take a guess, can’t we?

It’s because he needs to carefully cradle, polish, and sloppily make out with his beautiful AND DEFINITELY SUPER DUPER REAL medals!

(editor’s note: none of these medals are actually real)

Let’s take a look at a few of his favorites:
Sheriff David Clarke Resigns

Fruit Salad Medals

These medals are some of David’s favorites—That’s why they’re placed over where his heart is! (Demons often have reversed organ placement) These colorful pins require consistent hot breath and gentle rubbing, taking up a large portion of David’s morning. And the sunglasses? Totes adorbs, right??

Pew Pew Pew Medals

Who among us hasn’t fantasized about staring down the barrel of a pistol which in turn is staring down the barrel of a massive burrito? NO ONE, that’s who! These medals must be lovingly ironed on every weekend, since David’s mom keeps throwing his jacket in the dryer. It’s dry clean only, Ma!

Totes Chill Medal

Nothing says “I’m a relaxed sociopath with little or no regard for the stewardship that has been bestowed upon me to care and rehabilitate the disenfranchised and marginalized,” like a funky tiny CHILL floridian license plate. While we don’t know it’s origin story I like to think David got it for free with a burrito at a gas station before taking said burrito into parking lot and shooting it repeatedly while yelling “I’ve never felt real love or validation!”

While I could go on and on about Davey’s shiny little medals (I mean, there’s a boy scout badge, c’mon) I’d hate to disturb such a tender relationship.

For now, I’ll give him a new one:

I suck medal