James Comey is not my dad. But watching him testify in front of the Senate Intelligence Committee, I realized … he could be my dad. What would my dad James Comey and I talk about? Here’s how I imagine this would go:
James Comey: How much money do you need for the movie again?
Me: I don’t know, probably like $20.
James Comey: (pulls out notebook) I have written here that on 2 June 2017 you said, and I quote, “I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out this, tickets at this theater are so cheap, it’s like $12.”
Me: Are you calling me a liar, dad?
James Comey: I would never purport to make a judgment about your intentions or character; all I can point to is the quote, taken down verbatim, on 2 June 2017 regarding the current price of movie tickets, which, I can only assume, remains true on today, 8 June 2017.
Me: Dad, you really shouldn’t wear socks with sandals.
James Comey: I purchased these socks — along with my sandals, and my cargo shorts — from Walmart, a fortune 500 company. So to suggest that I shouldn’t wear these socks with these sandals is a lie, plain and simple.
Me: Dad, is it okay if Jeff comes over after school?
James Comey: Look, there should be no fuzz about this — I will be sitting down with Jeff and talking with him about what intention is there and whether it’s an offense.
Me: Dad, please stop saying “fuzz.”
[Trying to use a Lowe’s customer loyalty card at a Home Depot]
Me: Dad, they’re not going to let you do that.
James Comey: I sensed that your response would be contingent upon how I conducted myself and whether I demonstrated loyalty.
Me: Dad, I had a really bad day.
James Comey: Oh no, sweetie. What can I do to help?
Me: Will you sing me that old song you used to sing me? The one from church?
James Comey: (nodding somberly, he tucks me into bed and starts softly singing) Loooooooooordy. Loooooooordy. I hooooope there are …
[We look at each other and smile, and finish the song together] Taaaaaaapes.