Conservatives Are Once Again Calling For An Insanely Dumb Starbucks Protest

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Here’s a quick scenario:

Let’s say you want to bring attention to ESPN’s strange and controversial decision to remove a broadcaster named Robert Lee from an upcoming college football game. Do you…

  1. Organize a protest at ESPN’s headquarters in Bristol, Connecticut.
  2. Boycott ESPN and all ESPN-related products and channels.
  3. Go to Starbucks and buy a $6 vanilla latte.

If you chose 3, congratulations! You’re most likely a fan of right-wing firebrand Jack Posobiec!

Surely, uh, buying coffee at Starbucks will take down those libtards at ESPN. I’ll be honest, though: it’s kinda refreshing to see a protest that hearkens back to Baked Alaska’s classic “Trump Cup” campaign.

I genuinely hope the go-to conservative move of “protesting a company by purchasing products from them” never goes out of style. But what’s next for these guys? Surely not every controversy can be solved by drinking overpriced coffee? Here’s how I assume they’ll respond to a few potential situations:

Scenario: Honey Nut Cheerios rebrands their famous bee mascot as Latino

Alt-Right Response: Go to Starbucks and give your name as Latino Bumblebee

Scenario: Monsanto announces new corn/sorghum hybrid known as “Cornghum”

Alt-Right Response: Go to Starbucks and purchase any product with corn in it 

Scenario: ESPN fires college basketball announcer who changed his name to Adolf Hitler

Alt-Right Response: Go to Starbucks and give your name as “ESPN Bad Rehire Hitler Please”

 

Scenario: Starbucks decides to donate 100% of their profits to Planned Parenthood

Alt-Right Response: Go to Starbucks and give your name as Starbucks