America, it’s a great honor to present you with the most classy, sophisticated, elegant gift guide anywhere in the world. Whether you’re shopping for that European model you’re courting or the angry redneck praising you to a TV reporter, trust me: You’re going to come out a huge winner by purchasing these gifts.
A Wide Tie ($49)
For the aspiring male reality TV star on your list. Men in wide ties are known to be classy, sophisticated, elegant, and attractive to European models seeking marriage. The Donald J. Trump™ line of wide ties comes in an array of colors from “You’re Fired” Red to “China” Gold, and each is designed to end a fashionable 2 inches below your belt.
An Untailored Suit ($599)
This gift goes hand-in-hand with a wide tie. Some claim that an untailored suit screams middle management, but what they mean to say is that it screams classy, sophisticated, elegant middle management. A Donald J. Trump™ untailored suit will strike fear and respect into the heart of that low-energy intern who sometimes reports to you at work.
A Tenement Apartment Building ($2,000,000)
For the budding future mogul in your family, nothing says “get a head start on your wealth and racism” than a bunch of rental units you can tacitly refuse to lease to “the blacks.” Look for a Donald J. Trump™ tenement building in an Outer Borough near you.
Literary Two-Pack: The Bible + Trump: The Art of the Deal (free + $4.95) The Bible and Trump: The Art of the Deal are the two greatest books ever written. Both are classy, both are sophisticated, both are elegant. Each tells the story of big-time winners (Solomon, David, Donald J. Trump) and low-class total losers (Job, The New York City Zoning Commissioner). If a beautiful woman sees you reading these two books, you won’t be able to peel her off of you. Bonus idea: They can also be gifted to your enemies as a taunt!
A Long-Form Birth Certificate (free following 6-8 week waiting period)
You never know when you’ll need a long-form birth certificate. You can think you’re safely settled in your job when out of the blue, someone will call a news conference and demand that you be removed from your position unless you produce said certificate. A classy, sophisticated, elegant long-form birth certificate tucks conveniently into the pocket of your Donald J. Trump™ untailored suit.
A Lightly-Used Casino ($21,900,000, payable as back taxes)
The classiest, most sophisticated, most elegant businessmen on the planet own casinos. So do low-class total losers like Sheldon Adelson (why are you bankrolling Rubio, Sheldon?), but the finest casinos are located on the Jersey Shore and have very little wear and tear in the past decade. You will definitely want to own a Donald J. Trump™ casino in Atlantic City. When can we transfer the property to you? (RememberYouAssumeAllLiabilitiesUponReceiptOfProperty) Will you be home today at any point? Please have all your tax info ready when our lawyers arrive.
And that’s the list! The five most classy, sophisticated, elegant gifts you can give this Christmas, at prices you can’t refuse. Although if you’re shopping for a late Hanukkah present, we’ll honor your people’s custom of negotiating first. Oy yoy yoy, Trump loves you people!