Christmastime is upon us and the political climate is as lively as ever! This week marks the final holiday season before America casts its vote for the next leader of the free world. Let’s first see how the presidential hopefuls would pan out as leader of the North Pole.
Presents are, ostensibly, handouts in the vein of welfare, food stamps, and free government issued cell phones. Do not expect any presents from Santa Cruz. Confusion is expected to arise, as Santa Cruz is already a thing.
Santa Fiorina would most likely oversee the acquisition of rival winter holiday, Hanukkah. As a result of the merger, Fiorina lays off a large portion of the elf workforce and is ultimately forced to resign as Santa.
Bernie Sanders: Elected St. Nick following a successful grassroots campaign, Sanders effectively phases out the use of coal to punish naughty children in an effort to curtail our dependence on fossil fuels. He makes history by becoming the first Jewish Santa.
In addition to gifts, Santa Carson would, in all likelihood, present each child with a box of North Pole snow to prove demonstrably that the effects of global warming are modest and imperceptible.
Donald Trump: He’s making a list of practitioners of the Islamic faith for purposes of national security. He’s checking it twice.
Hillary Clinton: Hillary Claus panders to the youth by letting her flying reindeer Fleek, Netflix, Cray, Ornah, Hashtag, Bae, Selfie, Turnt, and the shiny-nosed Lit pull her Yas Queen Sleigh.
Jeb Claus tearfully steps down as Kris Kringle after receiving a wish list from Donald Trump in which Trump asks for a better Santa.