There comes a time in every man’s life when he must put his cards on the table and show his peers where he stands. When the Seven Seals are revealed, the sea shall open up its mouth. Beasts take from the land, sky, and oceans. My worth as a father, journalist, and man is in the balance for eternity this Super Tuesday. As I stand athwart the swirling chaos, I ask, where is Nate Silver?
The time of truth is upon us, Nate. Yet you have absconded from our duel. Your website 538 fails to offer predictions for the closest, most vital contests of Super Tuesday. Your only marked feature is your cowardice, sir. You have abdicated your responsibility. Is this the day you concede the crown of Master Prognosticator of American Elections to me, the vizier of intuition and gut?
Face the fires of judgment as my reign of correct primary calls shames your name for all of eternity. Here are I, Carl Allison Diggler’s, predictions for the winners of every Super Tuesday primary and caucus:
Here are the contests to watch tonight:
American Samoa Democratic Caucus (6 delegates at stake)
Without a doubt American Samoa is the place to watch tonight. With Governor Lolo Matalasi Molinga on her side, Hillary is on track to win the unincorporated territory she carried handily in 2008. Still, with former Governor Togiola Tulafono withholding his endorsement, there’s a chance for drama. If Sanders makes a surprise appearance here today and convinces Tulafono that he is the intellectual and spiritual successor to the late Governor Tauese Pita Fiti Sunia, he could yet pull off an upset. Even more interesting is the new voters who came of age during the 1997 South Pacific Mini Games hosted on the island. Surely, while these voters have fond memories of the Clinton years that brought such a massive event to their protectorate, the construction of a new stadium of Pago Pago displaced many and can possibly be a sore point among anti-establishment Samoans.
While certain mathematical modeling-oriented cub reporters were too intimidated to call the notoriously opaque American Samoa primary, I’m of the opinion that journalists are public servants. We aren’t afforded the luxury of saving face or turning tail. We owe our readers every prediction, because cowardice and laziness is a rebuke of the trust, respect, and honor our readers bestow upon us. Are you hearing this, pipi elo?
Colorado Caucus (66 Democratic delegates, 0 Republican delegates)
The spoilsports in the Colorado GOP canceled this year’s caucus, which means all of the fun will be on the Democratic side tonight. And believe me, this contest will be fun. This is a state that legalized marijuana, then coyly sent a team to the Super “Bowl” just a month later. Hmmm, I wonder what was in that Super “Bowl.” 😉 I think the merry pranksters and pot-addicted slackers in the Boulder State will have plenty of good vibes caucusing for this cycle’s biggest joke candidate Bernie Sanders. These bong water-soaked Dr. Seuss hat-wearing tokers will “hot box” caucus locations with their noxious THC vapors and even more noxious opinions about the vital bipartisan welfare reform of 1996. Based on that I’m putting my reputation on the line and calling Colorado for Bernie. But where’s Nate Silver’s prediction? I’m not seeing it on his website…
Minnesota Caucus (77 Democratic delegates, 38 Republican delegates)
Oh, dontcha know! The Land of 10,000 Lakes is near and dear to my heart, as I started my career at the Minnetonka Bugle many years ago. I remember being a clueless young kid fresh out of journalism school and learning the ropes from old pros like Gnut Carlson and Tyler Jars. My special insight on the Sorry, Thank You State is that the smartly dressed urban conservatives of the Twin Cities will go with the GOP establishment pick, Marco Rubio. Yes, their rural counterparts are dip-spitting hooligans who participate in UFC-style cage matches and terrorize the public with their copper wiring-theft schemes, but they’re only half of GOP caucus-goers. Enough will split between Trump and Cruz that the Minneapolis-St. Paul straight-shooting Republicans will propel Marco to the top.
On the Democratic side, Minnesotans who can trace their heritage back to Norway, Denmark, and Sweden have a fond view of these repulsive harassment-based democratic socialist nations. While these people are far too polite to engage in the usual Bernie Bro online harassment, look for them to bump into women and apologize only once, murmur “Hillary stinks” near caucus sites, and generally be the far more neutered version of the feral coastal Bernie Bro. Unfortunately, the females here are just demure enough (in one reporter’s experience) to be silenced, or have misogyny internalized into them. Sanders will eke it out, winning his first caucus of this election.
Massachusetts Primary (91 Democratic delegates, 42 Republican delegates)
Try as he might, Bernie Sanders can’t deflate the footballs of Hillary’s Hail Mary pass over Boston Harbor into the end zone of victory here tonight. Bernie is about to lose the state bordering his home state because of his inability to connect with the Patriots, Red Sox, and Bruins fans who consider the Vermont Senator a fair weather fan who probably puts on a Giants jersey the second he sees Rob Gronkowski sneeze. Southies look at Hillary Clinton and see a great leader like Martha Coakley. Expect to hear a lot of this from Bay State voters today: “Mah! Get in the cah! Weah ready for Hillahry!!”
On the Republican side, 20,000 Massachusetts voters have quit the Democratic party largely to vote for Donald Trump today. These voters are party rebels who have chosen to pick up the American flagpole and wield its sharp edge against those who would force their children to go to a school that’s a mile farther from their current school. After spending years voting for the likes of Michael Dukakis, John Kerry, and Mitt Romney, they think they can pick not just a Presidential nominee but a President. Time will tell if they get their wish.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
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