Day Three of a party convention is about the time my many medical conditions start to take their toll. After hopping a freight train with John Kasich, suffering a painful bowel ejection on the convention floor, being manhandled out of the Trump family suite, and getting trapped in countless public accommodations, the Dig needed some serious R&R before the main event. So I spent the day treating myself to a little TLC on a medical-grade futon in Quicken Loans Arena and reviewing the big speeches we’ve heard so far.
Without further ado, here are the Dig’s official report card grades of every major speaker from the first three days of the RNC:
|Pegasus Eyes||Perfect Hair||Facial Bone Structure||Immigrant||Style||Originality||FINAL GRADE|
On Day 1 the big question on everyone’s minds was whether Melania Trump could overcome the “Teresa Heinz Kerry Factor.” Trump built his campaign on nationalism and racial purity, and he risked alienating his diehard supporters by introducing a foreign-born First Lady who speaks with an exotic accent. But the perfectly-coiffed former model dispelled all of those worries the moment she gripped the podium with her manicured hands and declared “Donald Trump is good for the U.S.A.!” The plagiarism thing notwithstanding, Melania’s solid performance finally settled the issue among Trump supporters of whether Slavs can be considered white.
|Suit Fit||Corn Resemblance||Yokelness||Speaking Skills||Family||Who?||FINAL GRADE|
Trump’s running mate gave an eminently forgettable acceptance speech. He spent the first several minutes repeatedly indicating that he has a family, which is the sort of thing that might woo Indianians, with their perfectly smooth brains and famous problems with object permanence, but is unlikely to appeal to the rest of the country. Displaying a lack of achievements as Governor, a visible discomfort at public speaking, and an uncomfortably-shaped Midwestern frame, Pence did nothing to contradict the narrative that he’s dead weight on the GOP ticket and not even Trump’s first choice. Perhaps Paul Manafort, who along with the Trump kids engineered the Pence VP pick, thought he and his family of nondescript feedbags would make Trump’s glamorous clan look gorgeous by comparison. Overall, Pence came off as a small town rube liable to be a target for a big city confidence scam — not a good look in noted grifter John Kasich’s neck-of-the-woods.
|Wow, You Sure Came To Argue||Too Bad You Left Your Facts At Home||Oh, Shall We Continue Down This Line Of Reasoning?||Who’s Point Did You Make There? It Certainly Wasn’t Your Own||I Know I’ve Won When They Resort To Ad Hominem||Well, They Know Who Won That One||FINAL GRADE|
Ted Cruz came to prove a point tonight. Unfortunately for him, the crowd came to see human life forms speak. Cruz attempted to lure the fervent Trump supporters into a “Yeoman’s Trap” fallacy by stringing them along with illustrious tales of murdered cops, culminating in his refusal to support Trump. His stratagem was supposed to destroy them with logic, forcing them to name him the nominee. It didn’t turn out like that, as the crowd loudly booed over the gelatinous Texan’s hissings of “we must protect, THE CONSTITUTION!”
Even if Cruz’s grand speech hadn’t bored the pig-like Trump voters to tears, his abominable child murderer-esque charm would still have alienated the crowd. It’s all just the same for Ted, though. According to him, the booing “just proved my point.”
|Hillary Stole Da Moosadell||Stabbed In Da Back. In Da Friggin’ Back||She’s Friggin’ Guilty. In All Da Countries||What Did Bill Belichick Know About Benghazi||Ma, I’m Gonna Be Attorney General||All Da Traituhs Won’t Be Laughing||FINAL GRADE|
The bombastic New Jersey governor gave a rousing audition for Attorney-General, prosecuting Hillary’s email and Benghazi crimes on stage. As a veteran Clinton-watcher, I have long noted that the illegal email server or something else will finally put Bill and Hillary behind bars in a Supermax prison. Come next year, Christie, who honed his prosecutorial talents calling into sports radio shows from a fortified bunker deep underneath Trenton, NJ, could be the one to put them there.
|1,000 Years of Honor||Judgement By Fire||Destruction Of The Internal Conspirators||Eternal Justice||Vengeance Sanctified By God||Anointment In The Blood Of Our Enemies||FINAL GRADE|
America’s Mayor showed us all why we fell in love with him in the first place! While some people who obviously did not live through the same 9/11 that I did (therefore never witnessing Giuliani’s heroic leadership at the time) found this speech “terrifying,” I found it a return to form. While one can disagree with Giuliani’s calls for a “righteous war to cleanse America again” and “Saracen database” proposal, no one could reasonably disagree with his charisma and delivery. Ol’ Bronx Rudy’s charm was on full display when he allowed himself to laugh at his “Iran shall be a museum for extinct peoples who dared challenge us.” Hey Rudy, don’t be a stranger!
|Congenital Bone Disorders||Effects Of Aristocratic Inbreeding||Blood Type||Sociopathy||Style||Substance||FINAL GRADE|
|Several||Staggering||Reptile||Off the Charts||Gothic Horror||Fire||B|
The elder Trump sons took center stage on Days Two and Three. In his keynote speech on Night Two, Donald Jr. discussing at length of his philosophy of strength and blood, describing how the joy of violence was invented by God to teach Men of Will to renounce empathy so they may achieve their final destiny at the expense of the weak. The next night, Eric took the stage during the brief 30-minute window he enjoys each day when he does not have to be in a hypobaric chamber due to his several congenital medical conditions. Eric gave his full-throated support for finding a cure for Habsburg Diarrhea, a rare incest-related disorder that impacts dozens of inbred aristocratic offspring and political pundits worldwide. As convention speeches they were so-so, but I appreciate the Trump boys’ dedication to disability rights and pick-up artistry.
|Millennial||Instagram Intellect||Snapchat Sass||Fashion Sense||Age||Glo Up||FINAL GRADE|
Tiffany Trump took a break from palling around with her “in-crowd” of fellow heirs and heiresses like Kyra Kennedy, Maria Habsburg, and William Calley III just to help out with dad’s campaign. Speaking from the heart, Tiffany talked about the time her dad took his private jet all the way to Coachella just to bust her for doing coke at a Sleigh Bells after party. After her pitch-perfect national debut, it’s clear Tiffany has a bright future ahead of her, this reporter recommends keeping tabs on her and all her friends on Instagram, Snapchat, and Tinder.
|Cowardice||Evidence Of Crying||Fear Eyes||Entitlement Reform||Style||Substance||FINAL GRADE|
The former Presidential candidate barely warrants a grade here. Like Jeb Bush, Rubio didn’t attend the RNC in person out of fear that Trump and/or his supporters would humiliate him in front of his wife again. But like Bush, Rubio cravenly weaseled his way into the proceedings anyway by recording a short video endorsing Trump. Rubio, the former Presidential candidate who recently turned his back on his pledge not to run for reelection to the Senate, appeared with puffy, red eyes, a clear indication of a recent crying jag, something for which he’s famous. While Rubio did give a shoutout to one of his few responsible policies — reducing spending by eliminating the retirement age — it wasn’t enough to erase the shame of this act.
|Oafishness||Buffoonery||Good-hearted Cloditude||Cretin Relatability||“Town Idiot” Factor||Ability To Be Fooled By Children||FINAL GRADE|
The Wisconsin governor brought it tonight. And by “it,” I mean the beloved oaf’s “Ernest Goes To Cleveland”-style buffoonery that voters have come to love. Walker may fall down manholes, experience large safes falling on his head, and be easily swindled out of candy money by more conniving types of children, but it’s this “lovable fool” quality that has endeared Wisconsin voters. When Walker made big, googly eyes and exclaimed “Mrs. Hillary is bad news! She scares the jeepers out of me,” the crowd ate it up. After the rousing blood and fire brought by previous speakers, Republicans needed a laugh with a good lesson behind it.
|Anavar||Androgel||Synthol||Testosterone Suspension||HGH||Friendship||FINAL GRADE|
|200 mgs||One dab||30 CCs||500 mgs||2 vials||A+||B+|
I wasn’t too hot on the idea of UFC President Dana White speaking when I first saw the lineup. After all, the UFC is a brutal bloodsport watched by Midwestern psychopaths who sleep on fetid floor mattresses, millennial “writers” who attempt to assign meaning to this idiotic “sideshow” in unreadable thinkpieces, and sex maniacs.
However, White showed not to judge a 40 year old man pumped with more steroids than factory farm beef by its cover. While he yelled far more than I would prefer (some of us have PTSD, Mr. White), the content of his speech was surprisingly well-done. His main point, that Donald Trump should be president because he’s his friend and went to one of Mr. White’s hideous spectacles in Las Vegas, was something people of both parties could agree with. Mr. White reminded us that at the end of the day, we’re all just people, and friendship is more powerful than any policy.
It’s nighttime in Cleveland, and the many prescription drugs I’m taking are working their way through my veins. Stay tuned for my coverage of Day Four, the final day of the RNC, with the speech from the Big Man himself.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.