End of the line.
The Democratic primary ends tonight, as the last six states vote in what I’m calling Super Tuesday VI: Return of the DNC. Sure, D.C. votes next week, but that contest will be little more than a punctuation mark at the end of Hillary Clinton’s long, hard-fought win over Bernie Sanders.
— (((Carl Diggler))) (@carl_diggler) February 9, 2016
We have come so far since digging into our delicious Election Cakes at the eve of the New Hampshire primary. We laughed, we cried, and we shared something magical together as a country: the Presidential primaries we are blessed to have every four years.
But this is no time to get wistful. I have brought you expert predictions for virtually every contest since the Iowa caucus, and tonight will be no different. My forecasting record stands at a towering 89%. I have called 24 of the last 24 races. I have destroyed gutless calculator coward Nate Silver, who not only retreated from my challenge to a pundit’s duel, but famously cut and run from predicting over half of tonight’s primaries.
As you know, I will not chicken out, Digheads. I will always be here for you. Where there’s a primary, I will predict it. Without further ado, here are the winners of tonight’s races:
CALIFORNIA: Bernie Sanders
Last night’s late-breaking news that Hillary had won the nomination seemed to put a dagger through the heart of Bernie’s chances in the Golden State. How could Bernie win this kayfabe contest? Why would anyone bother to go to the polls just to pull the lever for this decrepit Socialist with no hope of being President?
The answer in one word: Anarchy.
Bernie supporters — who are all white male virgins who frequently live in their mom’s basements — are angry. They think the system is rigged against them. They complain about student loan debt which, frankly, is a blessing in disguise. They demand women, particularly superdelegates, give them attention and emotional labor. They yearn to destroy the Democratic Party, and not for a good reason like because they prefer No Labels-style compromise and bipartisanship.
Bernie will win California because, despite the total futility of their efforts, his supporters just want it more. You saw it last week when Bernie Bros hurled eggs at Trump supporters in San Jose. You saw it this weekend when Bill Clinton was assaulted by middle fingers and shouts of “war criminal” and “fracking” in Los Angeles. A person who would wake up early, put on a balaclava, and drive 50 miles just to throw eggs and rude words at politicians and their supporters is someone who would certainly cast a ballot. On the one hand, I admire their commitment to participating in Democracy (the Dig has long been a supporter of what I call Real Voter Hours). On the other hand, I deeply fear for my country and the safety of innocent Democratic National Committee chairpersons.
NEW JERSEY: Hillary Clinton
Woke up this morning
Got yourself a gun
Your momma always said you’d be the
first woman to run
She said your
Emails make you a felon
And you got to put on a shine
Born under a bad sign
Travelgate in your eye
Woke up this morning
All that love had gone
Your poppa never told you about
But you’re looking good baby
I believe that Bernie will cry
Shame about it
Running out of a bad state
Harassing me and mine
Eyyy T, grab the gabagool! We’re gonna wack Bernie in the freakin’ voting booth! Maron!
NEW MEXICO: Hillary Clinton
Will the state with one of the highest Latino populations in the country vote for Clinton? Umm, does Walter Jr. love breakfast?? The Land of Enchantment will listen as Hillary instructs them to “say my name… in the voting booth!!” Although the Bernie Bros are certain to throw a fit over superdelegate endorsements, the delegates need only look them in the eye and say “I am the one who nominates!” Frankly, victory here is as out of reach for Bernie as a pizza on the roof.
SOUTH DAKOTA: Bernie Sanders
These heathen hoopleheads will find an unquenchable desire to clear the thoroughfare of females, in order to perambulate towards the voting booth either by leg or by horse, and these whiskey-swilling highwaymen, saloon keepers, and even lawmen just ain’t ready for a female president.
NORTH DAKOTA: Bernie Sanders
While the TV show Fargo doesn’t technically take place in North Dakota, no one cares about this misbegotten hell state enough to correct me. The North Dakotan economy pretty much runs on crude oil and strip club receipts. With oil prices down, misogynistic strip clubs favored by Bernie supporters like Killer Michael pretty much run the whole show, so expect Bernie to get a haul of these weirdos’ votes.
MONTANA: Bernie Sanders
Alright, I admit the TV theme kind of hits a wall here out west. I couldn’t think of a show that takes place in Montana besides CBS’ criminally under watched Angel Falls, and that aired before many of you were born.
Montanans are proudly independent people who don’t need the big bad nanny state telling them not to drink colloidal silver or shoot their children during homeschool-related arguments. To them, Hillary Clinton and her husband are both the embodiment of Big Mom-style government and ATF gunmen who politely ask them to come out of their sheds with their hands up before shooting them to death with sniper fire. Bernie’s loser’s lunch tomorrow will be an Arby’s “Big Montana” sandwich.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at email@example.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler. And check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.com.
To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.