CARL DIGGLER’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: I Predict This Weekend’s Virgin Islands Caucus & Smack Down a Noxious Troll

CARL DIGGLER’S FRIDAY MAILBAG: I Predict This Weekend’s Virgin Islands Caucus & Smack Down a Noxious Troll

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What a workweek, Digheads! I shared a Memorial Day memory, explained why sportsball games are for morons, talked about war hero and possible Presidential candidate David French, and told Hillary how to win the election.

Now it’s time to top it all off by kicking back, pouring a martini (or three), and answering your pressing questions. But first, I have another caucus to predict!

In honor of the Caribbean primaries this weekend, I thought I’d let Brian Wilson take us way way down South with this authentic island jam:

Virgin Islands Democratic caucus winner: Hillary Clinton

You might see the name “Virgin” Islands and think this is Sanders territory. It’s true Bernie’s support base is mom’s basement-dwelling virgin trolls who have nothing better to do than to harass alpha male journalists like me and Michael Smerconish. But as it turns out “Virgin Islands” is just a name. Expect Hillary to notch a respectable win here on Saturday.

I’ll be posting my Puerto Rico caucus prediction on Twitter this weekend. Don’t miss it! Follow me at @carl_diggler. Now on to your questions:

Carl, now that Paul Ryan has endorsed Trump, do you see the boisterous frontrunner taking more mainline GOP positions?

Al Malnati in Rutland, Vermont

I’d like to pat myself on the back for correctly predicting Paul Ryan’s acceptance of the Trump Train a few weeks back. Some men call their shots. Others create their own reality.

In terms of Trump and the GOP, Trump and Ryan will probably find common ground on welfare cheats, the questionable humanity of the poor, and the ways that regulations hinder job creators. Now, Ryan brings a respectable intellectual tradition to these dialogues, while Trump brings crude remarks about his genitalia and the ethnicity of his political opponents, but I’m sure something can be worked out.

Carl, I greatly enjoy your articles. While you stray a tad into the libertine mumbo-jumbo of the Beltway with your analysis from time to time, our friendship goes back years, which as we know translates to eons in the blogosphere 😉

That said, I take issue with your characterization of my friend David French. Sure, you talked about his heroism as a JAG officer in Iraq, and his columns, but I take issue with the “wife email” section.

Carl, it’s always pained me that you are not a member of the Church. Billiards and religion have always been the two principles that have guided my life. My religion informs me that setting boundaries on your wife’s Hotmail account is a deathly sacred act that is second only to consecration following abstinence.

You, however, treated it like an electoral issue. Sir, this is a spiritual matter.

It is only with the utmost respect with which I disagree, Carl. Now, I must watch the Northend Billiards Classic on ESPN 9, then patrol my local Target’s bathroom for the wicked defiers of G-d’s order.

In honor and respect

Deus in aeternum,

Roll those billiards!

@BilliardsFool in Boston, MA

Wow, I didn’t know we’d be having a celebrity writing in! For those of you who don’t know, that’s Billiards Fool, my intellectual conservative friend (who is also a writer for RedState). Now, we don’t always agree on the issues, but his strong #NeverTrump stance and righteous intellectual tradition will always make him one fool I respect.

Down to brass tacks: spiritual issues are electoral issues. The Pope is elected, isn’t he? If Mr. French did not want his email limitations on his wife to be a major part of his platform, he shouldn’t have written about it so extensively. It’s as simple as that.

Howdy, Dig! I loved your article this week about why physical sports are for idiots. For my money, nothing can match the raw thrill of the virtual steam flowing through your hair as you master the train tables in Train Table Simulator 2014 — nothing except reading your column, maybe! So it was something of a surprise to see that you’ve been e-mailing with this sportsliker who calls himself the “Billiards Fool.”

Billiards is nothing more than another frivolous p-sport beloved by dumbass meathead JOCKS who wouldn’t know the difference between a Goering-Hoss 88 steam engine and an Anderson Cooper Triple-Valve steam engine if it were tattooed on the back of their fratguy buttbuddies. So why would you even talk to this sportsliker?

This billiards “bro,” with his brain filled with cue sizes and ball weights, obviously lacks the mental space to devote to appreciating your columns, to savoring every word, and to pointing out your clever references in the Dig TVTropes page. He is unfit to call himself a Dighead.

I fear that this Billiards Fool is some sort of imposter, as devious and amoral as the coward Adam Pepsi, trying to play a confidence trick on you. Maybe he aims to convert you to the worship of his stupid jock sport of hitting pool balls with sticks. Or maybe he’s trying to get you to buy into another real estate scam. Either way, I think you should be careful, Dig. There’s an election coming up. We need you.

David “The Milk” Milkberg, Essex Co., NJ

David,

Are you literally trying to tell me whom I can and cannot email? This is low even for you.

My personal correspondence is absolutely none of your business. Do you understand? And for the record, Billiards Fool is a fellow writer. I have been reading his personal blog, Snooker Of Mass Destruction, since the mid-2000s. While I don’t always see ball-to-ball with him, I have many colleagues on both the right and the left whom I respect on a professional level. Do you know what that word means, David? “Professional?” You could stand to learn it.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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