The end of the workweek is always cause for celebration. But today we have an extra special reason to uncork that bottle of gin and pour a glass (or three!) with our morning oatmeal.
After months of emailing, lawsuits, cajoling, and liberally playing the “crying card,” I have finally convinced Twitter to ban one of my cyberbullies.
You may remember Felix Biederman from the time he and his Argentinian co-conspirator Virgil Texas usurped my column to “cover” the New Hampshire primary and ask Ted Cruz disrespectful questions about the Holocaust.
Yes, he is one of my Millennial assistants at CAFE. Yes, his work is instrumental in the functioning of my podcast. But none of that matters. The only relevant fact is that he violated Twitter’s ToS with his wanton disregard for the Fact Friends’ feelings. (To wit: he entered Ron Fournier’s mentions and told him to “drag” another pundit, something which perplexed Ron to no end.)
On the latest episode of my podcast The Digcast I explain how I pulled off my complex Ocean’s Eleven-esque scheme to get Felix banned:
On this episode I explain the winners and losers of several huge stories from the past week, from the Clinton Foundation’s donors to Nigel Farage’s bromance with Donald Trump. But as always, Digheads, I make time to answer your questions about the world of politics. So let’s hear from you:
Trump’s new campaign CEO [ed. — former Breitbart News chairman Steve Bannon] was charged with domestic violence in the 90s. How the Hell does Trump survive THIS?
Alvin Masters in Oak Ridge, TN
What with Trump’s pre-existing trouble with female voters, it doesn’t seem like Steve Bannon will last long in the wake of these revelations about his history of domestic abuse. Besides the embarrassing instability this brings to Trump’s flagging campaign, Bannon’s departure will also deprive Trump of one of the ex-Hollywood conservative’s major talents: minority outreach.
A few years after he assaulted his wife, Bannon co-wrote a groundbreaking, ahead-of-its-time hip hop Shakespeare musical about the 1992 L.A. riots.
Bannon may be a godfather to the anime-loving gangs of harassers that populate the alt right, but he is nothing if not an auteur. Witness this number from the first act, “Mark Fuhrman.”
Pardon me / are you Mark Furhman, sir?
Depends who’s asking? / Don’t walk any further
I came to inquire about the fire! / It seems the flames around Circuit City can’t burn any higher!
This riot is scandalous! / And the city can’t manage this!
Alimony is an extortion racket / and single mothers damage kids!
Wow! Despite his awful crimes, if the hip-hop savvy Bannon couldn’t have won Trump at least a sliver of minority support, I would eat a woman’s shoe! Any woman’s.
Salutations Carl, and blessings from the Life Giver. Hillary Clinton has taken a break from cashing Planned Parenthood’s blood money checks to give a speech about the “alt right” frog avatar scum who have brutally harassed movement conservatives like me (even making an account called “@BilliardsCuck”), David French, and Ben Shapiro right before the launch of our “Bathroom Purity” campus tour.
Dearest Carl, I am writing to alert you to the gross lack of moral leadership displayed by Clinton, who is essentially responsible for the rise of these vile cretins.
The Democrats and their sustained assaults on the two genders, family values, and fatherhood have created conditions where young men are taught they must raise themselves. As such, they are weaned on a combination of video games and microwaved foods as opposed to the essence-giving mother’s milk. These children have pitiful grip strength, and instead of doing masculine activities such as debate club, they resort to the graceless, ungodly natural state of frog memes and Japanese cartoons.
If Hillary had any moral leadership, she would submit herself to prison, but not before formally apologizing to all of us at the conservative movement.
Evan McMullin has gotten on the ballot in American Samoa. If he can win the non-Electoral College votes of this venerated island, Trump loses Texas, Clinton loses California, and Nevada withholds all its EC votes, McMullin will be the frontrunner in a Congressional election to determine the next leader of the free world!
Rejoice, and, as always,
ZIP ZIP ZOW!!!
ROLL THOSE BILLIARDS!
@BilliardsFool in Boston, MA
Dearest Billiards Fool,
It’s always such a pleasure to hear from you, my intellectual conservative friend.
I too have noticed that Millennial men are lacking in the physical fortitude of us brawny Gen Xers. My round son Colby may be a whiz at Mime Crafts, but the minute you ask him to help repair the living room toilet in his old man’s studio apartment, he goes running! And don’t get me started on those awful Millennial assistants of mine. They barely have the upper body strength to carry a pundit suffering from a flare-up of Hellenic Inner Ear syndrome at the unfortunate hour of 3:30 AM from a tavern into a taxicab — and I have the head lumps to prove it!
I can’t say I agree that Hillary is guilty for this plague of Millennial entitlement and rudeness, however. I have long written that Bernie Sanders is more responsible for inciting young people to disrespect elder pundits.
Nevertheless, I am always happy to listen to your arguments, and I congratulate you on Evan McMullin’s smashing success. Hopefully our respectful debates will serve as an example for these unruly young folks who can’t seem to hold a conversation without resorting to ad hominems, Body Odor Fallacies, and unreasonable demands for 200 roses on dating app
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.