This has been one sad, miserable week, Digheads.
There’s so much irrational violence around us that I just want to scream, “Just be NICE to each other. Is that so HARD!?” And that’s even before the vulture trial lawyers representing SoulCycle demanded I pay for “damages” to their silly little bicycle room incurred by my election cake and a congenital medical condition (Gordian stomach).
Fortunately, I already indemnified myself from damages with a timely Twitter apology, but it still hurts to be sued:
My statement, re: last night's SoulCycle incident. pic.twitter.com/zraFwL6YP1
— Carl Diggler (@carl_diggler) June 12, 2016
Now for the song. Digheads, this has been a really heavy week. So I think instead of a classic rock anthem or a hip hop street anthem, I’m going to go with something a little different.
And now, on to your letters!
Dig, I know you’re a big fan of John McCain, but what about his claim that Barack Obama is responsible for the Orlando shooting because of his Iraq policy? That’s not a good look, if you ask me.
Gary Legume in Santa Clara, CA
First off, let me state that I have the utmost respect for Senator McCain. From his first go as a radical disrupter when he attempted to bomb Russian supply ships during Vietnam, to his bold comeback after the Keating Five scandal, all the way to his support of fellow radical moderates Ahrar ash-Sham and Jabhat al-Nusra in their struggle to topple the viciously partisan Assad regime.
However, I think Senator McCain went a bit too far. This is, of course, not the first time he has used mass shootings to make a point. In 1999, he caught flack for stating that the Columbine Massacre was “half connected to Travelgate.” In 2014, he called the Isla Vista killings at UCSB a “fiscal cliff-type situation.” I think that in the Senator’s quest to reach across the aisle and form consensus, he can get a little too passionate and say things that go over the line.
It’s alright to believe in your heart that the president is an Islamic State deep agent, or to hold him personally responsible for the death of 50 people — if you keep it your business. I couldn’t tell McCain not to believe those things just as I couldn’t tell Mitt Romney to stop believing in Kolob. But saying them out loud creates a disreputable partisan environment; and, worst of all, it erases the whole point of being a maverick bipartisan senator who also supports al-Qaeda affiliates in Syria.
So, Senator McCain, from a long time impartial admirer, do better and rethink this.
Hey Dig, I just wanted to get your opinion on the child who died at the hands of an alligator this week. My personal opinion is that the father’s white entitlement caused his son’s death, and they both deserved this.
@CerseiMansplainer in Waukegan, Illinois
What is wrong with you?
What did you think of Bernie’s not-quite-a-concession speech Thursday night?
Dolph Chunderhund in Bettendorf, Iowa
As I have been tweeting, writing, complaining to Uber drivers about, and screaming in my sleep, Bernie is a crybaby who can’t stop whining. Not once during his speech did he acknowledge that Hillary Clinton is 1. a woman and 2. the nominee. Bernie, I would tell you to grow up, but you are actually on death’s door. Show some class.
Your warm kudos on my new job at the National Review made me feel as chuffed as a six ball in the corner pocket! I shall have you know I am already off to a propitious start at this hallowed journal of conservative thought. My maiden article “Which Bathroom Would Harambe Use?” garnered dozens of clickthroughs, and if the torrent of abusive Twitter replies I received for “How Permissive Liberals Turned Orlando From Family Fun Into Family Sin” is any indication, I’m already making quite the splash in the world of polemics. And I have you, my gentle colleague, to thank for lending me a tip of the cue to get me started.
But this letter isn’t about that. This letter is about a wee little problem — not much more than a speck of chalkdust on an Olympic-sized Prince Velvet billiards table, really. Nevertheless, I feel the need to bring it up with you, my good friend The Dig.
In the past week on the National Review comment section, we’ve had a wee little problem with a fellow going by the name of David “The Milk” Milkberg. Mr. Milkberg — or, “The Milk,” I suppose — has been flooding the comments on every one of my articles with a stream of incoherent invective aimed, variously, at my young wife’s sexual proclivities, at the noble sport of billiards, and — most perplexing — at steam locomotives, which he claims to be inferior to diesel engines. At first I scoffed at all of this nugatory ranting (particularly the train-related non sequiturs — everyone knows that electric engines are the most efficient), but then Mr. Milkberg’s comments took a darker turn.
Mr. Milkberg began to make eerie threats against me and my favorite hometown billiards players, pros like Colinsworth “Colin” McDriedich and Nigel Shag. He threatened to dress up as an elevator serviceman and install “dangerous and inferior Otis elevators, as opposed to the smooth and efficient Thyssen-Krupp brand of elevator” in our buildings. And he posted the coordinates of the metro station nearest my home with the remark “I am merely a 6 hour 17 minute 55 second light rail ride away if you have the balls to tell me to my face I’m not a true Dighead. Just ask Adam Pepsi.” Who in Creation is “Adam Pepsi?”
Mr. Milkberg has been banned from the National Review comment section 57 times in the past week, yet the man shows a preternatural ability to evade even the most sophisticated of moderation tools. This man has caused quite a headache for our moderator team at a time when we have precious few resources to spare, as we are furiously working to recruit a conservative standard-bearer in the general election who will defeat both Hillary and the boor Donald Trump. So Carl, insofar as this “Milk” has some sort of affiliation with you — he listed you as his emergency contact in all of his commenter .profiles — would you be so kind as to ask him to leave alone our humble bulwark of Western civilized thought against the rampaging hordes of cultural relativism?
In honor and respect,
Deus in aeternum,
Roll those billiards!
@BilliardsFool in Boston, MA
“Standing athwart history yelling ‘billiards!'”
Dearest Billiards Fool,
This matter will be dealt with. You have my word.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.