A 30-year veteran of Beltway reporting walks into a recording studio… and comes out a stand-up comic.
I used the opportunity of interviewing a seasoned funnyman to fulfill a lifelong dream of mine: to be a bona fide stand-up comic in the vein of my heroes Martin Lawrence, Eddie Murphy, and the Capitol Steps. And, without giving too much away, it’s obvious that I succeeded.
Listen to my ten-minute “set” and exclusive interview with Brian on iTunes or right here:
And check out Brian’s stand-up special Jokes I Wrote At Work on Hulu. He could use the attention now that there’s some tough new competition on the comedy scene!
Now for some of your questions:
Carl, I recently came across an interesting editorial detailing a fine young man’s concerns with dating feminist females. As a divorced man and notorious bachelor, do you entertain feminist callers?
Saxon_Wrath in Butte, Montana
Do I date feminists? Buddy, I exclusively date feminists. Whether it’s a stunning beauty from across the seas via webcam or a fly young professional honey deep in BKLYN, the first question I ask is if she’s a feminist. I’m usually met with shock and an expression near disgust, as they’re reflecting on previous paramours who never even considered asking such a question.
Simply put, if a woman doesn’t respect herself enough to be a feminist, she doesn’t respect herself enough to date me. Any females reading, listen up: start loving yourselves or we will never be a thing.
As a veteran journalist, did you feel Matt Lauer failed in his job as a journalist when he didn’t call Donald Trump on his lies?
Rick Fund in Servant’s Door, Connecticut
If Lauer, or really any TV talking head, could be called a “journalist,” then you could say he failed in his job. But everyone knows that TV newsmen are the B-leagues for pretty boys who couldn’t hang with the ink-stained alpha males of the print press. I’m not shocked that Lauer blew it; that’s what frontrunner stuffed suits do. I would be similarly unsurprised if another TV “anchor” — whose name rhymes with Snake Trapper — got so distracted trying to snatch Melania Trump from Donald that he allowed Trump to declare that The Feels Guy signed the Declaration of Independence. Whatever. I don’t care.
I am an officer of the Transit Court of Baltimore, and this is an attempt to collect a legal debt. Ignoring this message may result in a warrant being issued for your arrest.
You currently owe $767.29 in court-mandated fines and fees stemming from an incident that took place on June 1, 2015 at approximately 11:17 PM on the northbound ACELA train in which you somehow managed to get yourself trapped in the conductor’s toilet—
FOR THE LAST TIME, DO NOT CONTACT ME ABOUT TRAINS.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN STEAM TRAINS AND COAL TRAINS.
I DO NOT CARE ABOUT ANY TRAIN SCHEDULING VIDEO GAMES.
I DO NOT WANT TO START A TRAIN-RELATED DATING WEBSITE WITH SOME CRETIN NAMED “ADAM PEPSI.”
DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME? NO MORE TRAIN-RELATED CORRESPONDENCE. EVER. FOR THE REST OF HISTORY.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.