This is the end, my friend. The primaries are over. I already had a good cry Tuesday, but now there’s something almost as good as the general election to look forward to: my quadrennial end-of-the-primaries Election Cake!
I’m told my awful Millennial interns @virgiltexas and his Bah’ai friend @byyourlogic have prepared a special Election Cake to celebrate my stellar prediction record this year. That record stands at 87 out of 99 contests, or 88%. Nate Silver’s record is, well, that’s too sad to think about.
Instead let’s think about the delicious frosted cake I’ll be devouring whole tonight before my traditional end-of-the-primaries night swim at Equinox. We’ve come a long way since New Hampshire. It’s time to celebrate.
In honor of Election Cake, today’s mailbag song is by Queen Ri:
Now on to your questions!
So, Oracle Dig, what happened in California and South Dakota? Looks like the “numbers cuckolds” finally got one over on you. LOL. Your comeuppance is so sweet. Your ignorance of Nate’s modeling is on full display, you ignorant braggart. Looks like the king has no crown-
Otis Digiman in Madison, WI
And it just goes on like that. Hey, John Nash, your mind isn’t so beautiful after all. Go calculate the probability of you making a tent in your Levi’s during a particularly tense model train trade show.
Folks, I haven’t gotten the chance to address what happened on Tuesday. Yes, my unprecedented 23 primary streak came to a close. But something worse happened.
Everyone knows that the Dig Man is a proponent of Real Voter Hours, meaning that voting should be held at incredibly inconvenient time and wrought with needless complexities, machine failures, and long lines. This weeds out the weekend warriors, and leaves democracy to those who want it the most.
That said, the AP calling the primary for Hillary was a crime. It upended Real Voter Hours. It decimated turnout. I don’t know how California could have turned out. There’s apparently 3.5 million more uncounted votes. Maybe I’ll get that one back, maybe not. But in South Dakota, who’s to say the 2 percent that Bernie lost by wouldn’t have shown up.
I don’t like to make excuses, and I own the 2 blown calls. But the AP needs to answer for interference. Bernie is a repulsive loser who I called as losing the election back in February, but let the voters have their say. Let them make a horrible choice that shows them to be racist, misogynist, bros, virgins, on welfare, depressed, poor, and physically oily.
What are the implications for Hillary Clinton’s victory. I am currently receiving my doctorate in international affairs with a special focus on armed conflict in Iran since 1979, so I have concerns about her tenure at State, where she allowed support for Balochistan’s Jundallah group.
Dirk Conkler in Lafeyette, LA
Two words: glass ceiling. Another word: obliterated.
If you lined up all the presidents before Hillary (should she win) it would be like, man, man, man, black man, then LADY IN FRONT
Khaleesi is here at your gates! The dragons are spitting hot fire — not the king you hear in “Hamilton!”
One small step for man. One giant mic drop for woman kind.
All my single ladies
All my single ladies
ALL MY SINGLE LADIES
A special note to the Billiards Fool:
Congratulations, old friend, on a new beginning.
My Republican colleague Billiards Fool has been a conservative intellectual blogger since the mid-00s, manning the helm over at Snooker of Mass Destruction. While I don’t always agree with him, I respect his willingness and courage to make unpopular arguments, such as in his controversial articles “Let Them Drown: The Katrina Solution To Our Welfare Problem” and “The Coming Bathroom Holocaust.”
Billiards Fool is proof that whether you’re right-of-center or moderate-center, at the end of the day, we’re all just human beings who ought to respect one another. Billiards Fool and have salved each other’s wounds from the many trolls who attacked us simply for exemplifying the ideals of bravery, logic, and civility online.
So it brings me great joy to welcome the Billiards Fool to his new gig as Junior Cultural Degeneracy/Billiards Editor for the National Review. I know you’ll “knock” this one out of the park, old chum!
Sadly, I have one more letter to address:
I know you had a tough time this week, what with your primary calls getting blown by the AP, so I took the liberty of baking you a very special Election Goulash! It’s in the shape of your ex-girlfriend KweenTrashWytch✨✨, who, as a subscriber to your super-secret LiveJournal, I know you still feelings for. Plus, the macaronis spell out the number of retweets you got on your brave clapback telling a Bernie Bro troll to “stuff a sock in it.” I was told at the post office that I had to mail it to your “family court receiver,” so you can pick my goulash up from Judge Ellen Tao next time you see her.
Dig, I’m sorry I tried to drive a wedge between you and your colleague Billiards Fool. I don’t know what came over me. I guess I was just being a “hunk of stupid in a sack full of idiot,” like you always say to me! I’m honestly happy that you two get along so well, and in the interest of peacemaking I’ve extended him an invitation to join the DigFans Bulletin Board. He’ll start off as a provisional member, but as an admin I can pull some strings and get his account upgraded to “Beta Dighead” once he registers.
I hope this letter and my election goulash find you well. Again, I’m really sorry about being so suspicious of Billiards Fool. I even started reading some of his blog posts, and I’m starting to see his point about the link between vaccines and Obamacare. At the end of the day a friend of The Dig is a friend of The Milk.
David “The Milk” Milkberg in Essex Co., NJ
I would be exploding with rage at your incompetence right now were it not for the family court-ordered Emotion Monitor I am forced to wear.
First, FIRST off, I do not eat an “election goulash.” I do not eat any sort of macaroni-based ethnic food at the conclusion of the primaries. I eat a cake. I eat an entire cake, then I go night swimming. Got that? You know this, David, yet you intentionally insult me and my pundit traditions.
Second, I would love to receive your “election goulash” and throw it into the garbage, but I can’t, because Judge Tao received it and immediately sent it to the CDC for testing because she interpreted it as a biological weapon. Since your goulash was addressed to me, who do you think will have to pay for that testing? Take two guesses, first one doesn’t count.
Finally, David, I am appalled by your sycophantic attempts to suck up to me and my colleague Billiards Fool. I warned you last week to not interfere with our collegial relationship. Consider this your final warning.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
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