CARL DIGGLER’S ANALYSIS: Bernie Sanders’ Win in West Virginia Was His Worst Loss Yet

Read
(credit: Shutterstock)

Last night, the Dig made history by correctly predicting the winner of the West Virginia Democratic primary, thus becoming the first single-father pundit to correctly call 20 primary races in a row. (You can track my extremely accurate forecasts at my new website, SixThirtyEight.)

If the Dig was last night’s big winner, it’s clear who the loser was: Bernie Sanders.

Yes, Bernie Sanders “won” the West Virginia primary by a 15-point “landslide.” But by “winning,” Bernie is actually losing.

My Beltway pundit pals and I have practically gone mad trying to explain this very simple point to the open-mouthed non-Beltway yokels who see Bernie’s victories in primary after primary and moronically assume that somehow makes him a “winner.” As the Guardian’s Lucia Graves and my spicy friend Philip Bump agree, that’s just plain wrong.

You see, it’s not about quantity of votes. It’s about quality of votes.

Yes, Bernie won in Indiana and West Virginia. But what kind of votes did he win?

In Bloomington, he won descendants of KKK Grand Imperial Dragons whose epigenetic destiny has caused them to join online harassment lynch mobs.

In Boone County, he won toothless outlaws who see Hillary as a WoC by transitive property.

In Indianapolis, he won bewildered elderly who confused him with Milton Berle.

Question: is dead weight on a shipping vessel weighed and taxed as an equal tonnage of gold? For those of you who haven’t studied maritime law and commerce: No, it is not.

Simply put, in his last two state victories, Bernie has amassed a cavalcade of thousands of low-lifes who will straggle and hinder his death march with constant pleas for opiates and Steam tokens. What’s more, they’re not just low-lifes. They’re essentially Trump voters.

A study by bipartisan David Brock Study Group (PDF here) revealed that late primary Sanders voters have racism levels of 58%. The same study puts Trump voters’ racism level at 70% (Hillary voters have a perfectly acceptable 37%). You may say, “Carl, that means Trump voters are a whole 12 points more racist!” But you’d be crying foolishly, because a study 6 months ago put Sanders voter racism levels at 45%. That means that there’s been a swing of 13. Entire. Points.

If current trends continue, Sanders voters could be 100% racist by the California primary. Are you getting the picture now? By then, you’ll see Sanders surrogates shove gigantic foam fingers that read “Listen Up!” at Clinton supporters, as they did to Dolores Huerta, metaphorically. You’ll see blood and honor pledges to keep the Rhineland free of Turkic interlopers and debates on the “Aryanness” of Irish people — and that’s just among Sanders’ highly self-loathing young female base.

Because of this racism metric, each state that Bernie wins and each delegate he picks up puts the nomination further from his grasp. That’s been the case since his landslide victory in New Hampshire, which honestly was the beginning of the end for his ridiculous campaign. Now this stubborn old man is insisting on winning even more states out West, from Oregon to California.

Newsflash, Bernie: “winning” actually makes you look foolish.

There are a couple things Bernie could do to stem his losing racism surge. Foremost, he could immediately stop winning states. By failing to pick up increasingly racist new voters, he would maintain levels of prejudice within his own ranks and possibly even decrease them by causing pre-existing racists to leave the cause. Another thing is to suspend his campaign. While this would in all likelihood eliminate any possibility of winning the nomination, it would enable him to die of old age in a few weeks with his head held high.

That’s the Dig Man’s take for today. Seeing as it’s hump day, I think there’s a Nespresso with my name on it!

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler. Check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.

To try CAFE’s Morning Shot email, sign up here.