It’s 48 days till Election Day, and while many folks are (correctly) worried about malfunctioning voting machines, terrorist threats, and Russian hackers assigning everyone’s votes to Vladimir Putin, an even bigger danger is brewing.
Millennials have already screwed up the job market, their own student loans, and Tinder, with their ridiculously high standards. Now this slovenly generation of narcissists is taking their entitlement to a new level by demanding their own Presidential candidates.
The Millennial brain, what with its Snapchat-stricken attention span and Reddit-warped libido, sees Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump and thinks “Swipe left!” as if these candidates were nothing more than disposable, middle-aged divorced fathers. These brats have the gall to reject our two parties’ candidates, whining “If I don’t get what I want, I’m taking my ball and going home!”
My good friend Paul Krugman, a fellow award nominee, raised the alarm yesterday. According to Paul, nearly a third of Millennials are opting for third party candidates such as Gary Johnson, Jill Stein, and Evan McMullin. Now, the Dig is a firm believer in No Labels-style post-partisan compromise. (Full disclosure: I have donated to Father’s Rights Party candidates in past cycles.) But there comes a point in every campaign where everyone realizes that third parties have no hope and starts trying to find things they like about one of the two major party nominees. That point is now. But it seems Millennials never got that through their thick, baby fat-and-K2-clogged skulls.
You see, Millennials, probably because they’re stupid, just don’t understand the two party system. While they were busy being rude on Xbox Live, we adults were participating in something called “primaries,” in which the Democrats and the Republicans weed out inferior candidates to identify the two most qualified human beings to serve as leader of the free world.
And when Millennials do participate in primaries, they make asinine choices like getting behind an elderly socialist as some sort of cruel prank on a senile man. Thankfully, the adults remain firmly in charge, with responsible party officials like Debbie Wasserman Schultz ensuring that joke candidates do not win.
Newsflash, Millennials: you are NOT entitled to your own special, perfect little candidate who agrees with everything you believe. Hell, you aren’t entitled to someone who agrees with 25% of what you believe. These candidates are running for Commander-in-Chief, not President of a Safe Space. So suck it up and vote for someone you fundamentally disagree with — that’s called being an adult in the real world.
You got a degree in Gender Art? Great. We elder Gen Xers have a degree in a little something called Real Life. We minored in Hard Truths, lettered in Sacrifices, Responsibility, and Making Tough Choices. You get out of your little classrooms and think there’s going to be a cute TA with a behind that just won’t quit in there with the voting booth telling you that there’s no wrong answer. Guess what, Professor Clueless: there is. It’s most of them.
If you want to make a change, try local politics. Put on a suit and tie or a cocktail dress, as opposed to your usual drug rugs and dashikis. Go vote in city council and county sheriff elections. Vote for the best in either two parties. Maybe one candidate wants to turn public housing into landfills and the other wants to drug test every kindergartener. Suck it up and pick one. Through this process, you will learn how to make compromises, the same ones that drive the heart of the political process, and you’ll finally grow up.
Think of compromise like the act of lovemaking; the first time you do it, you’re barely out of college. It’s clumsy, you have no idea what you’re doing, and there’s a great deal of tears. However, after several laborious hours, there’s a beautiful payoff. It may come in the form of charter schools, entitlement reform, or sensible earmarks. After you do “the act” long enough, you’ll be showing the ropes to younger voters,’giving them the experience only a father/experienced voter can.
So, Millennials, let me put it in terms you can understand: it’s real mfing voter hours. Smash that Diebold button for the rest of your lives, starting now.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at email@example.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.