CARL DIGGLER PRESENTS SixThirtyEight.com: Your New Home For Accurate Forecasting

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Dig-heads,

I am proud to officially announce CAFE’s newest venture, SixThirtyEight.

At SixThirtyEightyou can follow my primaries prediction record as I go head-to-head against Nate Silver and his calculator cowards at the inferior website FiveThirtyEight. In the coming months, as we shift to the general election, I’ll be posting The Dig’s exclusive state-by-state electoral college projections there as well. SixThirtyEight is your new home for honest and accurate political forecasting driven by gut instinct (and racial science).

Speaking of which: with my crushing victory last weekend correctly predicting the results of the all-important Guam caucus, my winning streak is now at 19 for 19.

Now, watch me go 20 for 20 today with another bold call:

West Virginia Democratic primary (29 delegates): Bernie Sanders

Let me tell you a story about a group of coal miners.

Each day, these burly men would strap on their hard hats and jocks and go deep down into the earth’s crust, where they’d get dirty, pound rocks with their picks, and admire each other’s muscles — all sweaty and glistening from the dim lights of their helmets.

One day, a new miner showed up to replace one of their brothers, whose lungs had collapsed. This miner was different. She was a woman.

The male miners scoffed at the newbie — “There’s no way a woman could mine coal as good as a man!” — and they laughed while slapping each other’s butts. One of them said the canary could do her job better than she ever could.

But once they were underground, the new miner took her pick and she swung, and swung, and swung, and swung. She swung so much, in fact, that when the dust settled, she had filled 20 carts with black gold. It was more than all the other miners put together.

That coal-mining woman who worked harder than any man to prove herself is Hillary Clinton. And she’s been doing overtime mining for votes in the hills of West Virginia. Unfortunately, no matter how hard she works she’s still going to lose this particular state to Bernie Sanders (who represents one of the arrogant male miners in the story who teased the female miner) because a majority of the other miners were offended by this woman upstaging them.

There’s also another legend of West Virginia. More like a horror story, really.

Ray White was a contemporary outlaw who flaunted his open disrespect for the process with welfare fraud, embezzlement, moonshine production, and rude mountain dancing. He was lionized by his compatriots and hated by authorities, but he didn’t have a care in the world. D. Ray was a fatalist. He knew his cheating ways would lead to an early grave, and he was right. At age 57, he was felled by a shotgun blast.

In many ways, he was similar to Bernie Sanders. Bernie scams his donors by telling him he can sway superdelegates to take the nomination, meanwhile living high off the hog on their 27 bucks (closer to 28 bucks, as gumshoe reporter Philip Bump courageously pointed out). He’s vaguely angry at the establishment he feels is holding him back, but he’s been rudely gesticulating at them and hasn’t allowed a single rebuttal.

He may come out ahead here in Boone County and West Virginia as a whole — but Arkansas kingpin Hillary is going to leave an exit wound the size of a basketball in his chest come the convention, y’all hear?

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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