The news hit us veteran Clinton-watchers like a ton of cement sacks from the unfinished Whitewater Development. Hillary Clinton, who until last week was 100% certain to go to prison for sending illegal emails, would not even be indicted.
It just goes to show how the Clintons manage to wriggle out of every legal bear-trap they stumble into.
As a veteran Clinton-watcher, I’ve seen this all before. From my explosive exposé — “Why Nannygate Is The End To Hillary Clinton’s Political Career” — to my Polk Award-nominated ten-part series “Travelgate: The Final Nail In The Clinton Coffin,” to the Arkansas Project, we intrepid reporters have proven time and time again that the Clintons will definitely be going to prison for the rest of their lives and probably Hell also, only to see Bill and Hill get off on a technicality each time. Heck, if only I had their lawyers for family court! (Just kidding, I’m perfectly capable of representing myself.)
And so it goes. This time, Hillary was caught red-handed sending illegal e-mails to Sidney Blumenthal ordering the attacks on Benghazi, and she still got off scot free.
Obviously this isn’t a failure of we pundits’ reporting. No, this is a failure of the whole damn system.
But there’s no need to despair. As all Clinton-watchers know, the Bonnie and Clyde of Little Rock are absolutely 100% certain to be indicted at some point for something. In fact, I’ve identified a number of brewing scandals in Hillaryworld, every one of them atrocious enough to singlehandedly take down the Democratic nominee. Watch for these headlines:
Illegally Talking To Loretta Lynch
Last week Bill met the Attorney-General on an airplane tarmac. They claimed they were just chit-chatting about their grandchildren. In fact, it is almost certainly proven beyond reasonable doubt that Bill coerced Lynch into dropping the charges against his wife, possibly with the quid pro quo of a high-level appointment for the Attorney-General in a Clinton Administration. Attempting to influence the Attorney-General with coded grandchildren talk is a massive federal crime. I know this firsthand, as I was held in contempt for a week in 1993 after asking Janet Reno for family planning/pick-up artist advice. If Hillary is elected and nominates Lynch to be Secretary-General of the U.N., that’s all the proof Congress will need to impeach.
Allowing Bernie Sanders To Speak At The Convention (Felony Hate Speech)
Bernie Sanders will most likely speak at the Democratic National Convention, and he’ll engage in his full repertoire of finger wags, yelling, and manspreading to the horror of the diverse Raytheon and Goldman Sachs donors in attendance. Of course, Clinton allowing this makes her accomplice to the ongoing RICO harassment investigation against Sanders for his harassment crime family. Essentially, Sanders is the “don,” who sends his “button men” to “extract emotional labor” from “WoC” on “Twitter.” Secretary Clinton endorsing this by permitting this horrible mountain creature’s reign of terror to continue at the convention makes her just as guilty in the eyes of the law.
The biggest scandal of 2015 was undoubtedly The Fat Jewish Man Affair. If you’re not familiar, comedian @ObeseHebrew plagiarized classic Tweets such as “when bae lit af but the pizza is almost here,” “the stars are just are friemds who are very far away,” and “could guys just like *not*” from Twitter luminaries @slow_alien, @tbhkelly, and @Vape_Stalin. The uproar destroyed the innocence of “Strange Twitter,” and torpedoed @ObeseHebrew’s book, “Pizza FTW.”
Hillary is no stranger to the comedic stylings of Twitter, what with her “Delete your account” blockbuster retort to Donald Trump and epic “when u nut and the Iron Dome keeps protecting LGBT people in Tel Aviv” missive. However, she is just as guilty of plagiarism as @ObeseHebrew. If the inattentive fathers, wine moms, and ADHD-addled gamers of Twitter get together and raise enough of a stink, Hillary could see federal fraud charges for plagiarizing these knee slappers.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.