Bernie Sanders said he would be a new kind of politician. He promised to focus on the issues. He promised not to take corporate money. And he promised to run an honest race where winning the election isn’t everything.
Last night, we saw just what kind of politician Bernie Sanders really is: The promise-breaking kind.
As you probably know, I am no fan of professional sporting events. I find them to be a frivolous waste of money and mental energy, where millionaire pituitary cases are paid far too much to throw “sporpsballs” into nets and goal lines. Imagine if society devoted those resources to productive, intellectual pursuits, like increasing hardworking pundits’ salaries to call the winners and losers of the week. But I digress.
Because of my heroic indifference to (feh) sports, I reached out to Billiards Fool, one of my loyal followers, to explain last night’s events to me. He responded with the following:
“It was halftime at the Western Conference finals between the Golden State Warriors and Oklahoma City Thunder when Socialist Sanders entered with his America-hating pal Danny Glover. Crazy Bernie came in wearing a Warriors cap in a disgusting attempt to curry favor among California voters. But my good friends on the West Coast won’t be ‘fooled!’ They know that Danny Glover is a supporter of the racist, anti-white Black Lives Matter movement. We definitely aren’t racists ourselves — we don’t support Trump, for example — we just take the principled stance that multiculturalism is a poison and that affirmative action is a globalist plot to destroy white families. But that’s enough from me! I need to watch Nigel Chuff face off with Leggy Bloke in the Queen’s Cueball Classic on BBC10! See you on the billiards table, Dig!”
Yes, Bernie Sanders, the so-called “principled” politician, sank down into the muck to attend a sporting event. This is not a good look for a candidate who has been dogged with accusations that his supporters violently harass women, persons of color, and veteran journalists with over 30 years of experience reporting both inside the Beltway and out.
Like Bernie rallies and state Democratic conventions, sporting events are hotbeds of violence. If you attend wearing the colors of an opposing team, rabid, drunken sportsball-likers will physically assault you and likely embarrass you in front of your children. I wouldn’t know this firsthand, as I have assiduously avoided any and all sports my entire life. I am not one of those neglectful fathers who would take his round son to a based ball game to sit in the stands amongst drunken ruffians, where he might be beaned in the head by an irresponsible ball, causing irreparable CTE. No, I responsibly keep my boy Colby indoors at all times (during the days when I have full custody), so we might enjoy safe activities like ping pong or perhaps a round of darts at the local pub, where a father can wet his whistle whilst enjoying some man-to-man bonding time.
What do you get at a game of sports? You pay over $1,000 for a ticket (real socialist, Bernie) so you can drink $12 beers, none of which are Michelob, and get verbally abused for not wearing the right ball tunic or holding your Blackberry up for reception.
And for what? What is the grand celebration of sports? A ball goes in a loop? A ball gets carried into an “ends zone?” A ball gets swatted past an arbitrary marker? Athletes are lauded with praise for these actions, despite how easy any of this is compared to say, passing an amendment to a rider on a farm bill or swinging to a polling advantage with NatSec Moms.
Worse yet, sports play into the dark partisan sides of America’s flyover hogs. The Bud Light-swilling pig faces of the Midwest and South rip each other to shreds over petty rivalries, which trains the Bias Cortex of their perfectly smooth brains to cheer for partisan leaders such as Sanders and Trump. One moment you’re calling a man some type of sexual insult because he wore the wrong jersey. The next, you’re eagerly cheering as a balanced budget bill goes down in flames.
This toxic sport culture begins in our schools. Money is poured into sports programs, but a pittance is given to pure intellectual pursuits such as debate. If we could reverse that, and provide 10 dollars in funding to student debate teams to every 1 dollar spent on “the pigskin,” we’d raise a generation of children who can spot an ad hominem or Sailor’s Daughter fallacy from a mile away.
Simply put, life isn’t a game. People claim that sports teach you dedication, mental toughness, and teamwork, but it’s nothing more than a drunken revelrie involving men less muscular than Jim Webb. Do you see powerful, toned alpha males like Webb, Lindsey Graham, and Wesley Clark fritter away their time shooting the hoop and rounding first base? No, they were a little too busy winning wars and fighting for entitlement reform. The sooner we spike the sporpsball, the better off we’ll be.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler. And check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.
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