PHILADELPHIA — A thunderstorm rolled into Philadelphia on the opening day of the Democratic National Convention — but even that wasn’t enough to put out the dumpster fire it became.
The white male Bernie Bros came to Philadelphia to see their God King speak. Undeterred by the votes of millions, the wisdom of the superdelegates, and endorsements from progressive heavy hitters such as Claire McCaskill and Evan Bayh, they had one goal in mind. And that was to gaslight delegates into making an ancient, rotting skeleton with cretinous ideas and a visceral hatred of women the Democratic Party’s candidate.
Yet when it became clear that Hillary’s delegates — the sort of responsible adults who work real jobs and pay for the basements where entitled Bernie supporters dwell — wouldn’t budge, the Bernie Bros decided to turn the convention into a full-on riot. Their appetite for sadism unsated from doxing DNC workers and harassing Debbie Wasserman-Schultz out of her job, these professional trolls were out for blood on Monday.
From the moment the convention was gaveled in, the Bernie Bros made themselves known by screaming over every speaker with inane, nonsensical slurs like “We want Bernie” and “Stop TPP.” They raised their voices to silence the women on stage. They raised their fists and turned their backs on speakers, both possibly Mafia-related threatening gestures. Despite the best efforts of DNC security, the Bros even smuggled in dangerous weapons, namely the ubiquitous “Stop TPP” placards with their sharp edges that created frankly dangerous and unacceptable conditions on the convention floor.
The Bernie supporters disgraced themselves by booing Sarah Silverman. Ms. Silverman may have a sharp tongue and have previously dabbled in internalized misogyny by supporting Sanders in the primary, but she was making a plea for unity after Senator Al Franken graciously deprogrammed her following a presumably Patty Hearst-type brainwashing that the Sanders campaign subjected her to.
Having obliterated the bridge to unity, the disheartened involuntary celibates decided to somehow make matters worse. They booed Cory Booker.
I don’t know how anyone could disparage Booker, who came with the likable tenacity and sunny disposition that only the best telemarketers can capture. One’s treatment of Booker, like Hamilton, is somewhat of a litmus test of basic humanity. And the Bernie Bros failed.
This veritable Nuremberg Rally of harassment culminated in an appearance from Bernie himself. The white males in the crowd rewarded his failed campaign and waste of their money with a ten minute standing ovation. Meanwhile, the women in the crowd cried and frightened journalists cowered and struggled to keep their eyes open despite pure petrifying fear.
Here was the man who had spent months ordering his followers to harass responsible pundits who had simply done their duty by telling people the objective truth that his campaign had no chance, his ideas were stupid, and he should resign from the Senate and renounce his citizenship. Our Twitter mentions have been a dumpster fire, a literal dumpster on fire, for months, and here was the Obergruppenfuhrer responsible for our suffering.
I watched in horror as my fellow Americans devolved into a feral state, whipped into a frenzy by Bernie’s mansplaining and exhortations against the media. I could see the raw thirst for blood in the eyes of these Bernie Bros, and I was keenly aware that at any moment they might break the last bonds of decorum and go for my jugular.
Bernie’s lips said “I’m with her,” but his subtle dogwhistles and gang sign-inspired finger wags said “harass women and Carl Diggler. Make Carl cry. If you do it, you’ll be rewarded by losing your virginity to an Imgur geek girl. So do it! Do it now!”
Without devolving into a panicked fugue state, I can soberly estimate that 98 percent of Bernie Sanders supporters will be voting for Donald Trump this November. We owe this in no small part to Sanders’ insistence on talking as long as possible, presumably so he could brag that he spoke for twice the amount of time that Michelle Obama did.
Was this a Trojan horse? Did Bernie concede just to get his filthy militias of freaks to cause chaos at the DNC? We’ll never know. But if it was, it couldn’t have gone any better.
The DNC organizers have a responsibility to provide safe conditions for pundits on the convention floor. It’s clear their policy of giving in to all of Bernie’s inane demands, like adopting a far-left platform that promises to reinstate Glass-Steagall and repeal the 19th Amendment, has failed. In order to fix this dumpster fire, the DNC needs to immediately do the following:
1. Personally apologize to me, and furnish me with a replacement pair of Brooks Brothers slacks.
2. Ban Bernie Sanders from the city of Philadelphia until the next President is sworn in.
3. Revoke the credentials of every Bernie Sanders delegate. This will, of course, benefit their candidate, who will win the nomination by acclamation.
4. Reinstate Debbie Wasserman-Schultz as leader of the Democratic National Committee and eliminate term limits for her position.
5. Call out every single Bernie Bro who violently enters a reporter’s Twitter mentions. Fax their vile tweets to their employers and get each and every one fired. Post the addresses to their basements and make the world know that they are too stupid to understand basic math, and that the country would be a better place if they took their asinine ideals elsewhere.
6. Ask the Bernie supporters to vote for Hillary.
As a man, I apologize for my gender. It’s time the DNC apologized for abetting the monstrosity that is Bernie Sanders and his supporters.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.