CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: I Slayed Nate Silver With My Northeast Primary Predictions — And I’ve Got A Hot New Scoop, Too!

CARL DIGGLER EXCLUSIVE: I Slayed Nate Silver With My Northeast Primary Predictions — And I’ve Got A Hot New Scoop, Too!

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Ten primaries. Ten predictions. One champion.

Using nothing more than gut, insider savvy, and discredited 19th century pseudo-science, The Dig forecast the winners of all ten of yesterday’s races. Yes, the Oracle of Park Slope saw Trump running the table with his Northeastern-style racism, Hillary winning a tight race in Connecticut against low-T Sanders supporters, and Bernie gaslighting Rhode Islanders into thinking their votes matter.

And what, pray tell, was Nate Silver’s probable mafia front FiveThirtyEight doing while the Dig was smashing races left and right? Let’s take a look:

The Coward Nate Silver has spent the past month hiding not only from my honorable pundit’s challenge to a forecasting duel but from calling any races at all. While his poor deluded supporters begged him to reveal who would win the Delaware primary, Nate Silver Bronze dithered and hedged — then ran into his hypobaric crying chamber to avoid responsibility, as well as the ineradicable stench of failure.

(The Dig, meanwhile, called both winners with such ease he didn’t even have to look up from his Tinder app, on which thousands of young people eager to meet a mature professional alpha male waited for the technical support issues blocking correct matches to be fixed.)

Harry Enten, the Igor to Nate’s Frankenstein, fared no better. Harry posted memes he found on young adult learning website Imgur — such as “I Hate To Say I Told You So Bear” and “Advice Meerkat” — but he didn’t make with the predictions. The entire FiveThirtyEight commentariat was a full color-painting of cowardice.

But this story isn’t about me and my unbeatable 88% success rate in the entire, long primary season, my animalistic sexual charms, or my constant media appearances.

This story isn’t even about Bernie Sanders, whose white male hyper-misogynist supporters seem to have gaslighted the doddering old man into believing he still stands a chance at winning even after his crushing string of defeats.

This story is about the #NeverTrump movement, which just notched their biggest victory to date. 

My Exclusive Scoop

Yes, Donald Trump won every primary last night with more than 55% of the vote. But that’s exactly where his opponents want him.

You see, my friends in the conservative intelligentsia — who are running the Never Trump Movement — tell me that by winning by these blowout margins, Trump is only proving their point. He has no idea how bad he looks.

I am well-acquainted with the #NeverTrumpers from my time running in the inner circles of Washington politics. They are the uber-powerful, well-connected politicos you do NOT want to mess with if you plan on being a successful politician. And they have forged a pact in iron between John Kasich and Ted Cruz to stop the Don.

Sources exclusively tell me that some of the conservative movement’s sharpest minds are quietly running the Never Trump operation. Read this list of luminaries (which you’ll only find here at CAFE) and tremble, Mr. Trump:

Kevin Blowfield, Director of Levee Affairs under George W. Bush, who spread the rumor that John Kerry surrendered the Khmer Rouge while in Cambodia

Kermit von Habsburg, famous author of the serious conservative foreign policy tome Disneyland Baghdad: Why The Next Boom Is Coming From The Birthplace Of Civilization

Martin Zongclief DDS, author of several Heritage Foundation “white papers” which prove that gender reassignment surgeries are responsible for the national debt

Malpeen Ungwich, deputy communications director for John McCain in 2008 who pioneered the devastating “Obama has black daughters” whisper campaign

The Hon. Greistle Septum IV, appointed by George W. Bush as Ambassador to Thailand (2003-2007), later chief strategist for Rethink The Age Of Consent (2008-)

Keith Puck, current editor of The Freedom Prospect and founder of the #PresidentHipHop hashtag protest campaign

Millennial whisperer Benjy Jackson, who earns his seven figures at the Mossad Review for his viral listicles like “6 Times Donald Drumpf Did A Shoulder Hug”

Oren Grippis, assistant communications director for the Romney 2012 campaign and author of the ultra-viral “who let the dogs out?” line

Callista Paladar, senior editor at the National Review, who spearheaded February’s devastating “Get Real, Mr. Trump” issue

I hear that this A-Team of establishment Republican fixers will be working with seasoned pros in the Kasich and Cruz campaigns, which includes Kasich’s chief strategist No Name (who lost his name in a poker game) and Cruz’s take-no-prisoners campaign manager Jeff Roe, who once bullied a man into killing himself by calling him an anti-Semitic epithet and a “little bug.” (I imagine that Roe is already coordinating with top conservative intellectuals to research if Trump has Ashkenazi heritage and figure out the best way to cause him to self-harm.)

Trump is, and always will be, an outsider to the Republican Party. The mandarins of the GOP establishment won’t just let some bombastic billionaire take over their party without a fight, no matter how viral his racial cleansing goofs may be or how many new voters with Celtic cross tattoos he may bring in.

This coalition will stop at nothing to prevent Trump from being president. No matter how many Weekly Standard articles it takes, no matter how many second place finishes for KasCruzich they must fight for, they will stop at no lengths to deny Donald his delegates. They don’t care how many people with frog avatars call them “cucks” or how many e-mails their wives get. That only emboldens them. These men count courageous luminaries such as Bill Kristol in their ranks, so they know how to prepare for war. They know what it takes. They’re willing to let Donald Trump win the nomination, allow him to be elected president, and wait for him to commit an impeachable offense so they can cross their arms and say “I told you so.”

Tread lightly, Donald. Tread lightly.

Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at carl@cafe.com or Tweet to @carl_diggler.

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