The primaries are over, the voters have spoken, and Donald Trump is going to be the Republican Presidential nominee. But not all GOPers are ready to accept it.
Trump has made a lot of enemies in his quest to the nomination, from war veterans to women, to innocent journalists who suffer from congenital inner-ear disorders. The erudite conservatives at intellectual organs like the National Review and the Weekly Standard, for example, have long resisted the billionaire reality TV star’s hostile takeover of the GOP. With Trump as the nominee, these holdouts pledge to sit out the election, support a third party candidate, or — horror of horrors — vote for Hillary Clinton.
So who are these fearless #NeverTrump iconoclasts? Well, how about I let them introduce themselves to you Digheads, in their own words:
Girth Assley IV, National Review chief phrenology editor and author of The Great-Skulled Precursor: The Civilization That Existed in Europe 1 Million Years Before Africa
Allow me to be brief. A thousand poxes on the toothless opium derivative-snorting mud humans who have appointed Trump as their idiot king over principled warriors like Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio. Whence this election comes, I will be reclining in my study, either draining the bursa sacs that form on my lower back in times of high stress, or using my calipers to contribute to the academic literature on whether Greeks are “traditionally white.” I shall not, however, use a system of pulleys and cranks to lower and wedge myself into a voting booth in order to choose between a boorish fake conservative or a Mafiosa.
Martin Zongclief, DDS, Heritage Foundation fellow and author of Who’s Paying For These Safe Spaces? The Case For Privatizing Gender:
They’re invading our bathrooms. Any second, they will produce their genitalia, and culture warriors will have to protect our children by covering these offenders’ phalluses with our hands and mouths. What if our clothes come off during the course of a fight? What then? Do people just “pick whatever bathroom they want” then, Donald? No chance. They’re trying to shove a hot load of libertine values down our gaping culture holes — and you’re just sitting back. I won’t allow it.
Now that Ted Cruz, the only bathroom warrior in the entire race, is out, I’ll be spending election day patrolling the ladies room for trans people at my daughter’s high school. That’s more sacrifice and danger than Mr. Trump has ever faced in his entire life.
@BilliardsFool, influential Twitter conservative and founding member of the #tcot hashtag:
Clinton or Trump? How about I reject all of the above! Now if you’ll excuse me, Nigel Chorshchester is making his debut in the Fancy’s League at the Tesco Billiard’s Classic on ESPNLimey!
Benjy Jackson, millennial whisperer, Chief Viral Content Producer at TMR:
Corey touched the lady’s arm and I screamed and she screamed and Donald screamed and Corey screamed. It’s always loud, I don’t like it when it’s loud. Donald makes loud things happen whenever he’s around and I don’t like it, no way. No.
I want to go back. I wanna go back. I want to go back. There was a Wendy’s there. I want the fries. I deserve the fries because of what Corey did to the lady. That lady was nice. I wonder if Mellania is nice sometimes but she doesn’t do anything when Donald yells. She doesn’t she doesn’t she doesn’t she she she doesn’t care that it’s loud. I hate it when it’s loud. I want to go back. It’s loud.
William Kristol, founder and editor of the Weekly Standard:
Does the temerity of a presumptive nominee who at a rally, incited his followers to call my office and address me as “a fat penguin bitch” strike rank-and-file Republicans as untenable? Is it not remarkable that Donald Trump has referred to core conservative foreign policy ideas, such as hollowing out the moon as a home for Palestinians, as “absolutely dumb?” We are at the precipice of an enormous crossroads where the inaction of great men is the most courageous thing they can do. Never Trump, but never say never again.
Kermit von Habsburg, Senior Unintentional Child Amputation Research Fellow at the Glass Parking Lot Peace Studies Institute:
I’m supposed to vote for Donald Trump because he’s the presumptive nominee. In the words of Winston Churchill, No, no, I shan’t. I will never forget Trump denigrating John McCain’s status as a POW. Yes, McCain crashed four planes, landed backwards twice, strafed a USO show, and attempted to drop a bunker buster on a Mongolian trade delegation in neutral waters — but there are perfect explanations for all these actions in the fog of war. Sorry, Trump. You’ve been “fired” from this war wonk’s vote.
Big words from big names, no doubt. But The Dig’s gut (which functions at 91% accuracy when it comes to Republican primaries!) tells me that most of these fine folks will fall in line.
Let me explain: establishment conservatives may be highly principled when it comes to preemptive invasions and making female condoms illegal, but their greatest fear in life isn’t Big Brother. It’s impotence.
That is to say, now that their protests in the face of Trump’s onslaught showed them to be flaccid to the GOP base, they can’t go on. They thought that their articles and snarky Tweets would stop Trump, but the mogul just stampeded all over them. They can’t try and claim “this never happens” to them or that they “just need a few minutes.” Why? Because Trump has already made it over the hill. They stand athwart the base cupping their hands over themselves, and, during the general election, they will begrudgingly board the Trump Train in an effort to hold onto any type of purpose as human beings.
It won’t happen all at once. There will be flash-points during the campaign that will serve as excuses for conservatives to support Trump. For instance, Trump could pivot to the center and support carpet bombing Iran. Or Hillary could say that trans people are human. These events would create “conscience moments,” when stalwart conservatives could look themselves in the mirror and say, “I’m ready to make America great again.”
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman.” Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.
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