With millions of voters turned off by the hyper-partisanship of Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton, this may be the year third party candidates shake up the Presidential race.
On the right, the muscular #NeverTrump movement, made up of prominent conservative intellectuals like Bill Kristol and my pal Billiards Fool, may be just days away from recruiting a David French-caliber independent candidate. On the left, the #StillBernie bros are pining for Bernie Sanders to run as an independent so he can continue his harassment campaign against women — specifically Hillary — through November.
Then you have the Libertarian and Green parties, those old standbys who never seem to be relevant.
The Libertarian Party is populated by model train collectors who moderate misogynist reddit pages with iron fists and who make strangers take political quizzes with questions like “Don’t children have a natural right to buy heroin?” that always say you’re a libertarian in the end. The Green Party is made up of dusty SDS freaks who spent the last 45 years in various lesser European countries because they hucked a bomb at a Menards during the height of the (totally legal) U.S. bombing campaign against Cambodia.
Neither is a viable third party.
Unfortunately, that leaves the silent majority of Americans, the radical moderates, without a choice — or so I thought. But I decided to take a look at the other alternative parties this year, and I was pleasantly surprised with what I saw. No Labels may be just a memory to some, but the spirit of nonpartisanship has been scattered into the wind and filled the lungs — nay, the spirits — of these brave political neophytes.
The Both Sides Are Correct Party
All Americans agree that partisanship is the biggest problem today. The Both Sides Are Correct Party (BSACP) hopes to capitalize on the widespread discontent with D.C.’s bickerers and to end partisanship once and for all. Each year, the BSACP takes the Democratic Party platform and the Republican Party platform and smashes them together to create what I think is a super-party that can cater to every single voter’s desires at once. For example, take their position on healthcare, which calls for Obamacare to be repealed and replaced with nationwide for-profit charter schools that only Muslims and trans* people can attend. It’s this kind of win-win bipartisan innovation that makes me think the BSACP will be a force to reckon with should they gain access to any state ballots this year.
The Muscles Party
“Thick, solid, and tight” are the words that Muscles Party Presidential candidate Bruce Roebuck (USN, Ret.) uses to describe this budding movement. A collection of former veterans, these radical disruptors congregate in bathhouses, foam parties, and abandoned steel mills in full regalia for party meetings. Different from the stodgy party insider meetings that dog both Republicans and Democrats, these conventions positively throb with Euro-trance and Dutch EDM (which help keeps the all-night policy sessions going).
These heroes want to bring the values of the U.S. military to the White House; by which I mean gender segregation, shirtlessness, a ground invasion of Syria, Libya, and Iran, and respect of a man’s bench press PR. While these may seem like unconventional solutions, Roebuck tells me “We’re serious about playing hard.”
Fathers’ Rights Party
The Fathers’ Rights Party is based on one not-so-radical idea: that dads count, too. They humbly ask their fellow Americans to live up to that great ideal that All Men Are Created Equal, an ideal that has been trampled upon by activist family court judges and the ballooning cost of alimony. While I don’t really understand a lot of their platform — I find the part about “SJWs censoring anime cleavage in video games to brainwash beta males”particularly confusing — the part about family court corruption really speaks to me. At the end of the day, the Fathers’ Rights Party is proof there are still some good guys left in politics.
[Full disclosure: I have donated to Fathers’ Rights Party candidates in past election cycles.]
Make Voting Mandatory Front
Single-issue parties have a long and storied history in American politics, from the Prohibition Party, which centered around banning alcohol, to the Know-Nothing Party, which was extremely popular because their only goal was to be as racist against the Irish as possible. The Making Voting Mandatory Front (MVMF) is the political arm of the quasi-military Warriors Of The Ballot Brigade, which sends armed patrols around neighborhoods every election day to corral people, at gunpoint, into voting. To these electoral enthusiasts, the one issue that trumps every other is voter turnout — and they have the facts to back it up. Less than 15% of eligible voters participated in many caucuses this year, according to MVMF Political Director/Subcomandante Simeon. Simeon is hoping for a big turnout this year — 100%, to be exact — and he vows to get it, “By the ballot or by the bullet.”
The National Rebirth And White Victory Party
I haven’t actually looked into this party’s positions or that of its nominee, Ernst Volk, too much. I did, however, catch a peek at their name — and can I say, wow? If there’s anything that will move voters to solutions removed from the typical Beltway gridlock, it will be a “rebirth” and “a victory.” These kids really understand messaging, from their “14 Words” pledge and their “88 Points of Vindication,” they’re fully understanding how much Millennial voters love listicles. Again, I don’t know a great deal about this party, so if they’re into something truly crazy like universal income, count me out. Still, can’t say they’re slacking on messaging.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.