Yesterday was Dad Day, but if you ask me, it should be Dad Week. Between changing diapers, chaperoning Mimecraft “LAN” parties, and filing motions for unsupervised custody in family court, we fathers work triple-time. No alimony for us!
I don’t expect much on Father’s Day. The court-ordered phone call from my round son Colby is all I need. But this year I was treated to a letter from my pop Col. Dig Sr. I last heard from Dad in December, when he took time off from his busy job in Syria to speak out against my internment by Russian security forces. So you can imagine what a treat it was to receive not one but two dispatches from my old man in a 12-month period.
Now, my dad’s letter came by courier in a manila envelope with all sorts of “TOP SECRET” labels on it. But I think you, my loyal readers, ought to see his writing as an example of what a good father is.
Here’s Col. Dig Sr.:
***//FORINFO///TOP-SECRET//BLUE COPY BURN ON RECEIPT***
FROM THE DESK OF COLONEL DIGGLER
AMERICAN RECONNAISSANCE CORPORATION
TEMPORARY OFFICE AT SANA’A, YEMEN
By Department of Defense internal memo 5334R, Central Intelligence Agency Directive Platinum Quartet, and Protocol Samson, we officially accept that Father’s Day has transpired and I am required by government policy to acknowledge both the holiday and my legitimate son, Carl A. Diggler.
Carl, I both grant and admit that you are a success by certain metrics. In particular, you have liquidated Nathan Silver and his waste of resources, FiveThirtyEight (c.f. DoD Memorandum RGW-3939, & Managua Free Market Statistics Times-Picayune, et al.).
***SEN_DAC CONT NOT FOR PUB*** We have certain “friends” inside Silver’s numbers abomination, but do not consider Silver an ally, opportunistic or general. After certain failures in Venezuela in 2006, Silver’s skills to fulfill Gladio-type objectives were seen to be utterly worthless. Asset H***y E***N, codename WET CLAM, is useful in providing information on the rogue asset.
You have found a task that you exceed at. As asymmetry theory posits, asymmetrical creatures seek to assist each other in biological environments so as to propagate their genetic line. Given your other shortcomings, I am contented that you have located other asymmetrical beings (T912 targets “VIRGIL” and “FELIX”) to assist you in your exceptional trait.
To that end, this day also applies to you, though you are not required to acknowledge it, because you are not beholden to internal bylaws. Still, you have produced a child. I grant and admit that Colby is my grandson.
My memories of you as a child are parsed and broken in nature. I do recall that you were an obedient child, but could not maintain pace with other demands. As these things tend to work out, it could have been far worse. Longtime friend and former coworker [****SEN_DAC REDACTED**] had several boys, but weakened them through presence of their mother. The two largest failures, Neil and Marvin, and smaller failure, Jeb, tell the tale of how much worse you could have turned out.
Permit and accept this honor as I have permitted and accepted you.
Donald Trump presents a grave danger to a great structure. Hillary Clinton is little better. Both present a grave recklessness. Former asset [****SEN_DAC REDACTED**] at the National Review could not draft a third choice with any semblance of competence. He is not long for this Earth. I turn your attention to other matters which you can affect:
Like 99.99 percent of other Americans, you are not permitted to vote for the candidates that I am allowed to, but consider lobbying your more important friends for Evgengi Chauncery for Chancellor of Tunnel Cities on the Opaque Internal Ballot.
Finally, do not venture into the Donbass region, Finland, Southeastern Turkey, Delaware, or Crimea in the next 5 lunar cycles.
VIRTUS TENTAMINE GAUDET —- COL. DIGGLER
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.