Every day, thousands of vile strangers flood my Twitter mentions with abuse.
Often it starts after I’ve done nothing more than post a juicy scoop, like the rumor that Bernie Sanders once owned slaves or that Lindsey Graham is worried he’ll win by too much and break the Electoral College if he runs for President as an independent.
Nevertheless, trolls reply to my Tweets with vulgarities and threats.
They say things like “fill my hole, Dig” and “I’m going to lock [my round son] Colby in a treasure chest and bury him underneath Disney World.” They insult my appearance and spread lies about my body odor — which, frankly, is totally NORMAL. They make light of various Santa Hat-related technical support issues I’m having. They are ableist against a man who suffers from Hellenic Inner Ear disorder and Crohn’s Barfing.
Those of you who have been following my libel lawsuit against Twitter and 468 anonymous trolls know that I suffered a minor setback last week when my Motion to Impanel A Father’s Jury was denied in federal family court.
While I was preparing my countermotion pointing out all of Judge Ellen Tao’s fallacies and biases, I thought to myself, “Carl, you’re a downright legal genius, thanks to internet research. What if you don’t need a lawsuit to get the trolls? What if you can use your internet detective skills and aptitude for snitching to hit them where it really hurts: their wallets?”
I realized that I don’t have to wait around for Twitter to get serious about harassment of respected inside-the-Beltway journalists on their website. No matter how many new changes they make, they’ll never require users to provide a driver’s license, SSN, and boss’ phone number in order to “@” veteran political writers. They’ll never implement some sort of block or mute-type feature.
I realized it was time to take the law into my own hands. It was time to strike back in the name of all my fellow esteemed writers, from Philip Bump to John Podhoretz, who all bafflingly face a nonstop stream of abuse every time they log on to Twitter.
It was time to tattle.
Using data located on their Twitter profiles, I have uncovered the names and workplaces of several prominent harassers. I reached out to each and every one of their bosses to squeal on their irresponsible social media activities. Yet the most abhorrent of these trolls must be made public, unmasked for all to see.
So here’s a list of my worst harassers and their full names and occupations:
Assistant Manager at Blumpkin Solution Stool Transplant Research Center
Well, Richard, I imagine your supervisor at the stool transplant center will be very displeased to hear you were sending me photographs of a pig’s feces on company time. Perhaps those are company secrets. Good luck getting unemployment benefits.
Instructor at Ben Dover’s School Of Karate
You didn’t think I’d find you, Mr. Goku? You foolishly put your highly unique name on your Twitter page. It didn’t take me long to ascertain that your multiple posts impugning me to “gargle you” would put your job (where you presumably work with children) at danger. I hope you have more time to contemplate your behavior in unemployment.
Writer and Actor on “Maron”
Let’s see what your boss “Marcus Maron” thinks of this, David. I warned you before.
Weed Inspector at FBI
Did you really think you could harass a war correspondent and get away with it? I have many friends in the FBI, Mr. Hitler. They don’t take kindly to one of their narcotics agents telling a civilian he’s a “cuck” and his son calls you “daddy.” (By the way, I contacted Ex-Mrs. Dig. If you indeed have a relationship with her, consider it over.)
Editor at The Intercept
Very classy of you to tell me that my report that Edward Snowden is down with the swirl is “distasteful and untrue,” Glennjamin. Perhaps your boss Mr. Omidyar will find your behavior — going into people’s mentions to tell them they’re wrong — “distasteful.”
Systems Analyst at “Bofa”
I’m sure Bank of America CEO Brian Moynihan won’t be very pleased when he listens to a dozen voicemails a certain prominent journalist left with his cardholder security team about your activities. You are making his company look bad, Mary.
Let these fools stand as an example to the rest of the trolls. You may think you are anonymous, safe hiding behind those computer screens in your mother’s basements. You are not. In my long career I’ve faced down countless powerful politicians, Russian intelligence officers, and corrupt family court judges. One way or another, they all learned that when you mess with the Dig, you’re going to get dug.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler. And check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.
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