Howdy, Digheads! Well, the election took a violent turn this weekend. Trump’s campaign events have devolved into Nuremberg Rallies where frenzied attendees chant “lock her up” about victims of Trump’s sexual assaults. They jeer at and spit on reporters, the noble Blue Helmets who fight on the front lines between Democracy and Anarchy.
In Kansas, three men were arrested plotting to blow up an apartment complex occupied by Somalis.
And in North Carolina, the Orange County Republican Party office was firebombed. We don’t yet know who threw that Molotov Cocktail and spraypainted “Nazi Republicans get out of town or else” nearby. It could be the famously hyperbolic Bernie Bros, letting people know that they still exist as an underground terror group and that they still don’t understand math. It could be Trump supporters engaging in the sort of false flag attack that they’re so familiar with. It could also be a meth-related insurance scam.
But it doesn’t matter who did it. Democracy was attacked that night. And it’s everyone’s job — both Rs and Ds — to heal her.
Last night, a contingent of Democrats on Twitter did just that. The online progressive raised over $14,000 to send to the NC GOP, the same people who fought for the controversial HB2 “bathroom bill,” so they can repair their burned-out HQ.
While some pusillanimous partisans have argued that there is nothing binding the NC Republican Party to spend this money on repairs, and that insurance is likely covering it anyway, they miss the entire point of this behavior: by directly giving their antagonizers money, have assured themselves an electoral victory.
The first way in which it does this is simple. Democrats are taking the high road to Trump’s low road of calls for insurrection and pogroms (as well as North Carolina’s draconian bathrooms), therefore making ethnonationalism seem unnecessary to swing voters. “With political opponents like this, who needs helicopter rides over the ocean?” they will reason.
But the more complex reasoning lies inside a very controversial political theory, the “Mother’s Good Boy Theory of Politics.” MGB Theory holds that if one party can distinguish itself as The Good Boy to Mother (voters), they will potentially be rewarded with a permanent majority.
How does a party attain Good Boy status? Well, it’s actually a lot like romance. In order to be seen in the most favorable light, the party must pathetically grovel and become an object of sheer pity, where the deepest form of love emanates. In this case, Trump and the GOP have accused Democrats of destroying the republic by importing masses of nonwhite immigrants to win elections, ordering the death of Ambassador Chris Stevens, and aiding the Islamic State. While most political theorists would state these attacks should be met with scorn and derision, it is only by actually materially aiding their attackers that Democrats truly look like pitiable wretches who were born to bend their knees/Good Boys.
Voters stop seeing issues and see two children, one the mythic Bad Boy with his white nationalism, the other the cherubic and besotted child who only wishes to please mother and his awful brother. This weak child is physically emptying out his pockets right after his brother called him a “cuck,” making this choice very clear. Voters, out of maternal instinct, want to grab this eager-to-please child, nestle him in their bosom, and vote for them up and down the ticket.
Since it’s very possible that this could be a false flag bombing, Democrats may have to go farther to achieve MGB victory. To ensure victories in the House, Senate, and Presidential races, a high ranking Democrat may just have to take one for the team and receive a purple nurple from Donald Trump himself. While painful and humiliating, it would make it clear who the naughty bad boys and the good children who deserve sweets are.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years and is the host of the Digcast, a weekly podcast on iTunes and Soundcloud. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at email@example.com or Tweet @carl_diggler.