Ever since Donald Trump clinched the Republican nomination last month my intellectual friends in the #NeverTrump movement — principled writers like Weekly Standard editor Bill Kristol, race scientist Kermit von Habsburg, and Twitter cutup @BilliardsFool — have been searching for a conservative to run for President as an independent.
They may have found their man.
Enter David French, Iraq veteran, National Review writer, and just maybe your next President.
As you know, I’m not a conservative. Far from it. The Dig is what you might call a “radical moderate.” Bipartisanship is my bag. My party affiliation is “disruption.” But nevertheless I’m excited for what a French candidacy could mean for America.
For starters, whether they’re left or right or anywhere in between, independent candidates are the original disruptors of Democracy. Ross Perot, Ralph Nader, George Wallace — they’re all basically the same person, which is to say someone who doesn’t have to wear that scarlet letter (R or D) next to their name.
David French is a fighter. His combat experience as a JAG officer in Iraq makes the bars of Trump seem like a light breeze. If Hillary threatens him with one of her famous alleged political murders? He’ll look her right in the eyes and say “check your emails, ma’am.”
French isn’t just a fighter on the battlefield. He’s drawn down on the trolls on with his blistering request that they cease to call him a “cuck.” He’s drawn the line on his wife emailing other men.
Those two fronts aren’t just valourous theaters of warfare for French. They’re ammo for the ballot box.
The main things American men worry about are the trolls online taunting them for numerous sexual mishaps, and their wives being enticed into extramarital affairs by other men emailing them Grubhub promo codes..
Trump may scream about “yuge” walls and “Crooked Hillary.” Hillary may monotonically declare “I may not be ZOEY DESCHANEL but I’ll be the NEW GIRL in the WHITE HOUSE this JANUARY.” But only one man understands what lives in the heart of voters. And he’s fed up with the trolls and has placed a parental lock on his wife’s Hotmail account.
Pretend you’re Joe Sixpack. You’re a regular American voter in Pennsylvania, Ohio, or Florida. Your children are somehow dumber than you. Your job is awful. You have no future. If you die, you’ll probably just end up in purgatory for eternity because of the even mediocrity that runs through your corporal and moral being.
Your choices are a loudmouth spouter who encourages the trolls to harass people, a woman who can’t keep her emails under control, then a third man. He governs emails with an iron fist. He has told the trolls to cut it out. Your hammy hand darts towards his name as you drool. “Buhhh one vote for David French please.”
I’ll say this: David French may not be a huge name now. But it’s very possible he’ll have one this January: Mr. President David French.
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler. And check out his predictions at SixThirtyEight.
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