MORNING ROUNDUP: Candidates Losing to Ben Carson & Donald Trump to Meet for Group Hug

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HAPPY WEDNESDAY.

On this day in 1492, Christopher Columbus discovered Cuba the way a college sophomore “discovers” jazz and all the terrible things Christopher Columbus did.

 

SUPPORT GROUP OF “GOP CANDIDATES BEING BEATEN BY BEN CARSON AND DONALD TRUMP” TO MEET

THIRD GOP DEBATE SET TO HUMILIATE AMERICA ANEW—Send a thank you note to Donald Trump because tonight’s Republican debate — which will be broadcast at 8 PM ET on CNBC from Boulder, Colorado — will only be two hours long — or one fifth of a Benghazi hearing.

DURING NEGOTIATIONS FOR THE DEBATE, Trump invoked the Billionaires Ultimately Get to Decide Everything Anyway Act of 2003 that was also used to pass a new “cyber security” bill yesterday and refused to stand on a stage for any longer than an Apprentice finale.

A CBS/NEW YORK TIMES POLL FOUND TRUMP IN SECOND PLACE behind Ben Carson yesterday, causing Trump to renew his call for deporting pollsters and Ben Carson.

A WHOPPING 71 PERCENT OF GOP VOTERS SAID it’s too early to make up their minds about who they’ll ultimately support. 19 percent answered that question with “don’t talk to me before I’ve had my coffee.” 10 percent tried to get the pollster to offer tech support for their Pentium 4.

TRUMP REMAINS VERY STRONG AMONG people who like walls and think reality TV is real.

REPUBLICAN PRIMARY VOTERS IN IOWA apparently love Carson’s comments in which he compares Obamacare to slavery and offers Jews helpful hints for going back in time to throw guns at Baby Hitler. On Tuesday, Carson vowed to never raise the debt limit, which proves that he — like many planning to vote for Ben Carson — has no idea what the debt limit actually is.

CONSERVATIVES ARE ALREADY ATTACKING THE DEBATE’S MODERATOR JOHN HARWOOD because he’s made controversial “liberal” stands like pointing out that it’s good when people get health insurance and that the economy is much better now than it was when George W. Bush left it steaming in a sack on Barack Obama’s doorstep.

OHIO’S GOVERNOR JOHN KASICH, who along with Marco Rubio is the only candidate who will be on the debate stage who has ever won a statewide election in a swing state in the last decade, had a public pout on Tuesday in which he pointed out that the people he’s losing to are crazy people. Politifact gave that a ruling of “Yeah, We Know. It’s Your Party’s Fault.”

JEB BUSH WILL BE IN TONIGHT’S DEBATE AGAIN for some reason.

ANALYSTS ARE POINTING OUT THAT TED CRUZ may be the candidate who is best positioned to consolidate a plurality of Republicans who don’t understand the point of elections is to win them.

 

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…

IN TODAY’S CAFE, take our fun quiz: “Which withering Hillary Clinton stare are you?”; Also, our preview for tonight’s GOP debate is up, written by CAFE’s Beltway insider hack Carl “The Dig” Diggler (one thing Carl is focused on: Is Lindsey Graham about to make a huge comeback?) .

 

HAVING LOST BATTLE TO DEFAULT ON OUR DEBT, FAR RIGHT TRIES SOMETHING ELSE CREATIVE

WE PAY THEM TO DO THIS—Conservatives seem resigned to the fact that Paul Ryan is pretending to be mad about Speaker Boehner’s last budget deal that will give him two crisis-free years before he will have to force his party to govern as Speaker. To distract the base, House Republicans are now focusing on impeaching the IRS Commissioner, which sounds like something they came up with by looking at a keyword cloud on FoxNation.com.

THIS ALL STEMS FROM THE IRS “CONTROVERSY” OF 2013, which faulted the IRS for targeting Tea Party political groups for seeking non-political tax exempt status that Tea Party groups probably shouldn’t have gotten anyway.

“CALLING THIS RESOLUTION A ‘STUNT’ OR A ‘JOKE’ would be insulting to stunts and jokes,” said Rep. Elijah E. Cummings of Maryland, the ranking Democrat on the House Oversight Committee. We should definitely be more concerned about the feelings of stunts and jokes than another House GOP “investigation.”

 

FINALLY…

THINK OF THE CHILDREN—A man claiming to be Jesus was arrested in South Charleston, West Virginia for entering both a middle school and a nursery school on Tuesday and demanding to sing Justin Bieber songs. A complaint filed with the Kanawha County Magistrate Court should have noted, “Even if he were Jesus, we’d still arrest him for singing Bieber songs.”