CAFE’s Can’t-Miss Tips For Winning The Powerball Jackpot

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This week, America purchases their Powerball tickets with buoyant optimism as history’s largest lottery jackpot swells to a staggering $1.5 billion.

Here are our tips for getting the most out of your Powerball experience:

1. Order some Chinese takeout, open the fortune cookie and take a look at the lucky numbers on it. Push all the digits together. Got it? Your chances of winning are 1 in that.

2. Purchase as many tickets as possible. The paper tickets can be burned for warmth once your heating bill goes unpaid for yet another month.

3. Your chances of hitting the jackpot are actually 1 in 292 million, roughly the same odds as dying from measles. In the event you win, prepare for a crippling, occupying fear of contracting measles for the rest of your life.

4. Your instincts will tell you to take a lump sum instead of an annuity over 30 years. Take the annuity payments. By 2046, you will need a sufficient sunscreen budget.

5. Most states give you 180 days to claim your winnings. After the 180 day grace period, you receive something much more valuable than money: a harsh lesson on the consequences of procrastinating.

6. Most players opt for a “quick pick,” in which the terminal selects their numbers at random. Choose your numbers instead. Draw inspiration from your home address, birthdays of loved ones, and anything else you’ll forget once you’re filthy rich.

7. Some say you can’t win if you don’t play. The gravity of this adage relies heavily on your definition of “winning,” as concepts such as family, prosperity, and altruism constitute one’s true measure of wealth.