CAFE’s Guide To Mourning The Death Of A Celebrity

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This week’s passing of David Bowie has brought about a multitude of heartfelt tributes. Here are five tips for how to honor the life of a famous person:

1. Make it about yourself

You remember it like it was yesterday. Sat on your childhood bedroom floor, listening to a Stone Temple Pilots cassette in your Walkman. Surrounded by your Stone Temple Pilots posters. Those eight weeks you spent at Stone Temple Pilots camp. Recount these stories at length for some quick Facebook likes.

2. Callously remind everyone there are children starving elsewhere

A sad day for even the most casual of moviegoers. Robin Williams, suddenly gone. His sharp wit and unremitting charm made him one of the most prolific and beloved actors of all time. Put a damper on this already grim day by bringing up famished children in Madagascar or atrocities perpetuated by the Syrian government on its people. Pat yourself on the back, as you are one of the great sympathizers of the 21st century.

3. Chastise posthumous bandwagoners

Pathetic. It took the death of frontman Lemmy Kilmister for millennials to discover Motörhead. You’re all posers. Not me. I was administered the entirety of Motörhead’s discography in the womb. You come on my turf, this “Ace of Spades” YouTube video, and think you’re a fan? Not on my watch, pal. Go listen to your Drake.

4. Joke about it

There are a couple ways to go about this. We all loved Patrick Swayze. His passing was, in a word, heartbreaking. “Nobody puts Swayze in the coroner” is an affectionate sendup of one of his most iconic movie quotes. Not your style? Say instead you loved his work on Star Trek: The Next Generation. “That’s Patrick Stewart,” someone will counter. You don’t care though. You know what you’ve done.

5. Be the “celebrities always die in threes” guy

In 2003, John Ritter, Johnny Cash, and Warren Zevon all passed away within a week. Ed McMahon, Farrah Fawcett, and Michael Jackson all died within the span of three days in the summer of 2009. Coincidence? No. Lemmy and Bowie have essentially issued a death warrant on an unsuspecting third celeb. Side note: did you know celebrities are also born in threes? Big Sean and Richard Sherman were born in 1988 on March 25th and March 30th, respectively. If you were born between those dates, move to Los Angeles immediately.