BREAKING NEWS: As Sperm Count Continues To Drop Drastic Measures Must Be Taken


The BBC reported yesterday that “nearly 200 studies say sperm counts among men from North America, Europe, Australia, and New Zealand seem to have halved in less than 40 years.”

If we want to save the human race, we have to save sperm! And if you’re a sperm-making kind of man, then now is crunch time. The only way to save the sperm is to become extremely manly, and the only way to become extremely manly is to complete the following steps:

Have you met your “actually” quota?

A lot of people don’t know this, but men need to start at least 12 sentences a day with the word “actually” or else they die. These are like kegels for men — you gotta get your reps in!


Take a photo with a tiger or a fish.

These are the only two animals for men, and both the animals and the man cease to exist without a profile picture featuring one or the other.


Have you distracted from the facts of an ideological argument today by bringing up a logical fallacy you learned on Wikipedia?

A recent study shows that by doing this once per day, sperm counts can skyrocket! Bonus: if you use the term “straw man,” the ghost of your dad will appear to tell you he’s proud of you!


Go to the park to feed the ducks, but instead of ripping up little pieces of bread for them, throw an entire stale loaf at whichever duck appears to be the alpha male.


Get a literary tattoo around your bicep

Preferably a mashup of lines from Chuck Palahniuk, Charles Bukowski and basically any of the Jonathans.


Sit in a room with Bear Grylls and Guy Fieri after the death of a close mutual friend

Aggressively play poker at each other instead of talking about your feelings.


And there we go! The human race is saved.