BREAKING: New iPhone X Comes Pre-Loaded With Your Greatest Fears

iPhone xRead

A ton of Apple products were unveiled this week, including the much awaited iPhone X and people are positively THRILLED with the latest features!

For those who are curious, here are just a few of the Apple product advancements that you never asked for:

iPhone X Has Facial Recognition

Which can sound a bit intimidating, but it’s really very simple: every time you want to open your phone, instead of punching in a grueling 4-digit code (blegh, am’i’right?) your fancy new iPhone will USE INFRARED LIGHT TO SCAN YOUR FACE UNTIL IT MELTS OFF. Place a drop of your liquified face onto the screen and presto! You’re tweeting the day away. (Avoid selfies, duh)

iPhone 8 iPhone X

The iPhone X Has Amazing Accessories

Ok, so the headphone jack thing sucks, but that’s easily solved! All you have to do is buy the Apple headphone jack cable, then acquire the Apple charging adapter, then invest in the Apple conversion splitter cable, and then steal an Android.

Both the iPhone 8 AND the iPhone X have improved their 3D gaming capability

So now you can finally escape the chomping jaws of perpetual anxiety, which usually leaves you breathlessly running on an endless treadmill in the vast and infinite recesses of your mind, hands reaching out and clawing at anything to give you a sense of oneness, of completion, of entirety…All is now quieted by the sound of crushing candy. In 3D.

iPhone 8

Apple watch series 3 has been unveiled

And this time it can work without an iPhone. “Now you have the freedom to go anywhere with just the Apple Watch,” said Jeff Williams, Apple’s COO. “And the watch will know. It will always know. Just kidding! No, but, like seriously buy an Apple handcuff–I mean watch.”

The big finale, of course, was the unveiling of Apple TV

Which still can’t really play Netflix, Hulu, Amazon, or HBO successfully.

And that’s the rundown of incredible technological advances that Apple has made for you to buy!

So get in line, plebeians, for the overlords have offered you yet another useless trinket to consume and eventually discard, never once realizing these shiny medusas turn us all into to stony, cold, and–

OMG cute, the back is GLASS!!!

Apple New iPhone