It’s been a heck of a week. The humanoid with a rat’s face and lizard’s brain, Lawrence Lessig, finally dropped out of the Democratic primaries. It was a cause for celebration at Casa de Dig, as this cretinous blob of flesh finally whimpered away with his reptilian tail between his spindly academic’s legs. But there was something even more beautiful in the air: love.
As a veteran political analyst I don’t usually get personal in my columns, but this news is too big to keep to myself. After a dozen years of living the swinging bachelor life, The Dig is finally off the market. You read that right: I have a girlfriend.
Some might ask how The Dig, a writer with tremendous influence inside the Beltway and out, could meet his match. Well, let’s just say the king has found his queen; specifically KweenTrashWytch✨✨, a brilliant young woman with her own major social media following on Tumblr.
I have always sought a partner who could teach me something new, and the several bleary-eyed nights I spent scrolling through KweenTrashWytch’s Tumblr archive were like a crash course in a totally new field called Intersectional Feminism. Call it a generational thing, but I had never encountered concepts like mansplaining, brocialism, and being woken before (the latter I think is a Matrix reference — gonna rewatch that). It’s often said that an old dog can’t learn new tricks. Well, the whirlwind I’ve experienced says otherwise. I’ve learned more in the past few days about intersectional feminism, cultural appropriation, and dudebro problematicos than I did in the previous decade.
The best way to learn is to teach. That’s why I’m imparting a snapshot from the new lenses I see the world from onto you with a new term you can “signal boost”:
broservative (n.) – A Republican trashboy who irrationally refuses to support Carly Fiorina
The broservative is male, cis, and privileged. He might be a Marco Rubibro or a John Basic or a Lindsey Grahamsplainer. No matter what sub-species, all broservatives have one thing in common: they refuse to bow down to Carly Fiorina Slay Queen.
Queen Carly is the ultimate threat to broservatives: she’s a successful businessperson, a feminist, and an habitual glass ceiling-smasher. She’s no stranger to throwing shade on the broke bois, or amplifying her own marginalized voice. Her entry to the race was greeted by broservative prime Donald Trump slutshaming her appearance, which is evidence of the threat she poses to the male-dominated and misogynoir Republican power structure.
Just look at Carly’s history. She entered the male-dominated STEM field at Hewlett-Packard. Before she was ejected by jealous brovestors and members of the b(r)oard, she left 30,000 dudebro programmers, engineers, and fedora guys jobless. Carly got the last laugh, however. She couldn’t hear the precious male tears over the cool $100 million she banked.
The broservative sees this. He sees a boss lady who isn’t afraid to empower women intersectionally by eliminating the estate tax and who wants to give more aid to the IDF (the most intersectional army on Earth). The broservative wants to subjugate women with his violent power fantasies. The broservative‘s idea of supporting women is rescuing them from abortion clinics like damsels in distress. Carly would empower women by replacing Planned Parenthoods with free adoption clinics.
Look at how the debates went down, fam. John Kasich, who is ashy and possibly homeless, sniped at Fiorina for arguing with Trump over their respective business careers. This shiftless drifter was so peeved by a woman like Carly having more business experience than him that he tried to mansplain to her that “no one cared,” effectively committing white feminism. Sorry, though, John. It’s going to take a lot more than a guy who cites the Bill of Rights when getting ejected from a train he hopped, to stop Slay Kween Carly.
Broservatives want to erase Carly’s experiences at HP and mansplain to her supporters how their trendy and overpriced Apple products are superior to HP’s product lines of TouchPads and handheld InnovTablets pioneered when Carly was CEO. This is because the broservative supports the GamerGate hate movement of bigoted manchildren who feel castrated by the thought of women in tech. Indeed, the broservative spends much of his free time harassing thots on Minecraft if they refuse to support trashboy-approved drydick randos like Jeb or Rand.
If broservatives, bropublicans, and even librotarians want the right to talk to women, they need to ditch their support of oppressive kyriarchial mayo boys like Chris Christie and Give (clap) Their (clap) Money (clap) To (clap) Carly. Or, as KweenTrashWytch✨✨ would say, “spoil me, pig!”
Carl “The Dig” Diggler has covered national politics for 30 years, and is the author of “Think-ocracy: The Rise Of The Brainy Congressman”. Got a question for the Dig? E-mail him at firstname.lastname@example.org or Tweet to @carl_diggler.