TODAY’S ROUNDUP: Ben Carson Drops Knowledge So Heavy It Almost Destroys Half of Iowa

TODAY’S ROUNDUP: Ben Carson Drops Knowledge So Heavy It Almost Destroys Half of Iowa

Read
(credit: Getty)

HAPPY FRIDAY.

On this day in 1938, Orson Welles’ famed War of the Worlds radio broadcast became the most successful hoax ever — until Barbra Streisand came up with global warming.

 

BEN CARSON DROPS KNOWLEDGE SO HEAVY IT ALMOST DESTROYS HALF OF IOWA

WHY YOU SHOULD QUIT YOUR DAY JOB—”It is important to remember that amateurs built the Ark and it was the professionals that built the Titanic,” Dr. Ben Carson tweeted on Thursday. He then added that amateurs are so effective that they’ve created more pornography in the last 6 months than the so-called “professionals” did in all of history before the year 2000.

CARSON, A FORMER PROFESSIONAL BRAIN SURGEON, presumably tweeted this message on his way to see his amateur dentist. After all, what’s the use of half a decade of dental school when you can find a sadist online who gets a genuine thrill out of drilling holes in strangers’ teeth?

CARSON’S ATTACK ON THE TITANIC is clearly a veiled shot at Jeb Bush, who has argued that besides that one time it sank, the Titanic was basically an awesome ship.

CARSON TRAILS DONALD TRUMP BY JUST 2 PERCENT in the latest Ipsos/Reuters poll that shows him with 27 percent, Trump with 29 and the next seven candidates — Jeb Bush, Marco Rubio, Ted Cruz, Rand Paul, Chris Christie, John Kasich and Carly Fiorina — with a combined total of 28 percent support and a headache from thinking about how they’re being crushed by a guy who thinks Noah’s Ark actually exists.

RICK SANTORUM IS APPARENTLY STILL RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT but he refuses to wear his sweater vest. Hopefully, Santorum in classic sweater vest mode will still be the most popular ironic costume at LGBTQ Halloween celebrations for the fourth year running.

 

IN CASE YOU MISSED IT…

IN TODAY’S CAFE, Marco Rubio is still waiting patiently for his mom to pick him up from the debate.

AND CAFE’S CHIEF BELTWAY INSIDER HACK Carl “The Dig” Diggler has his weekly mailbag column in which he takes your questions on dating, his estranged father and the most charismatic Bush brother.

 

REPUBLICANS STILL WHINING ABOUT MEAN DEBATE MAN AS RUBIO DINES ON BUSH’S SOFT, MILKY FLESH

NO MORE POLITICAL CORRECTNESS OR ACTUAL CORRECTNESS—Republican candidates are so upset that the man at the financial news channel correctly pointed out that Marco Rubio’s tax plan services the rich that they’re planning their own debate in a safe space where none of their views will be questioned or thought about too hard.

JEB BUSH SPENT HIS DAY FENDING OFF RUMORS that his campaign is basically over (except for the part where he has to give the first speech of his life that people will actually clap for).

AS MARCO RUBIO APPEARED on every major morning network talk show to complain about media bias and be asked what his favorite color is, Bush’s advisors were putting together a presentation that explained to donors why the house they clearly see on fire is actually just someone smoking a cigarette on the roof..

BUSH’S BIG ATTACK ON RUBIO SO FAR is that Rubio doesn’t vote enough, which has fallen flat in a party that just assumes Rubio doesn’t have Voter ID.

BUT THIS NEW POWERPOINT revealed much fiercer criticisms that should remind you that the Bush family are as ruthless about campaigning as they are about insisting every member of their family be given a chance to invade Iraq.

IN A SLIDE THAT CONTAINS SEVEN ATTACKS that focus in on Rubio’s inexperience, dependence on a particular billionaire and shady financial history, you should be reminded that this is the family that brought us Willie Horton, John McCain’s black child and the swiftboating of John Kerry — but didn’t manage to bring us Osama bin Laden.

 

KOCH BROTHERS GO BACK TO SCHOOL

WE CALL IT THE “FRESHMAN 15” FLAT TAX, TO BE HIP—The billionaire brothers who plan to lead their donor network into spending a billion whole dollars to elect the next president aren’t just thinking about next November. They’re also spending millions of dollars “educating” students about the glory of free markets — AKA getting poor people to fund and build the roads and harbors necessary to have a marketplace.

THE KOCHS WOULD LIKE THESE STUDENTS TO REMAIN LIBERTARIANS when they grow up, which is something scientists believe is technically impossible.

 

FINALLY…

NO WHITE HOODS AFTER LABOR DAYHacktivist group Anonymous is threatening to pull the pillow cases off the head of 1,000 Ku Klux Klan members.

“THIS IS 2015,” THE HACKERS SAID, “Do the decent thing. Come out of the closet, make a Confederate flag your Twitter profile and include some statement of support for George Zimmerman in your bio. People will get it. And as long as you include “#Christian” and “#Patriot” somewhere, you’ll even get a bunch of Congressmen to retweet you.”