Behold the Dumbest Amazon Page Ever: “Barack Obama Toilet Paper”

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Closely held political beliefs exist in many forms. T-shirts. Bumper stickers. Long-winded Facebook posts. For some, the breadth of their political convictions begins and ends in the bathroom. Bob Woodward and Carl Bernstein conducted investigative journalism that ultimately brought down the Nixon administration. You, a man of simple tastes, prefer to wipe with the portrait of our commander-in-chief.

Let’s take a look at the gift for the staunch conservative who has everything.

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Little known fact: during the Revolutionary War, Great Britain commissioned Gilbert Stuart to paint his Lansdowne portrait of George Washington on 500 sheets of toilet paper. Stuart declined.

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Two things. First, the price. Chances are, your firm opposition to the Obama presidency is rooted in economic policy. The economy, as you see it, is in shambles, and it’s all Obama’s fault. Look. If you have the disposable income to spend $33.31 plus shipping on novelty toilet paper, you don’t get to complain about the economy.

Second, a set of four? Either you have no idea how to articulate an opinion or you’re the worst Secret Santa ever.

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It’s good to weigh your options when choosing the outlet of your dissent. The third one, torn incorrectly, looks like it says “OBAMA!!! WIPE OUT” as if Obama is performing music, you’re requesting “Wipe Out,” and he’s nodding in agreement.

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This is, by far, the worst reviewed Obama toilet paper available on Amazon. The biggest complaint seems to be that Obama resigns just five sheets into the roll. That’s right, you get one chance to disgustingly assert your reproach for our head of state and then it’s back to conventional hygienics. Make it count.

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Conversely, Diane made this summer one to remember, saying, “He wiped up the Presidential election and now you can use him to wipe up your historical messes! Love him? Hate him? Either way… you’ll love this Barack Obama Funny Toilet Paper. Printed throughout the whole roll! Want to have Obama in your bathroom… yes you can have him IN THE CAN!”

We end with a couple respectable attempts at wordplay. Previous gag presidential toilet papers included such product descriptions as “now you can have MADISON in the JOHN” and the less successful “WHY would you want to wipe with WILLIAM MCKINLEY?”