Parenthood is really cool. You get to watch Sesame Street and watch your baby try to eat their poop sometimes. Now, I’ll admit that I lucked out – my 1 year-old daughter is a beacon of light. She’s pretty good at babying, like I am at adulating, so we see eye-to-eye on a lot of things, mainly our views on politics and race relations in America.
But, my child has her ‘I ain’t no angel” moments. And for those very moments, I have some moves that will help you wrangle that bad ass baby into submission.* To be fair, I’ve tried none of these things and I’m about 100% sure none of these actually work at any given time, but trust me, I have a beard.
1. Act like you are eating her feet.
I don’t why, but babies love that shit, and it works. I mean, you can actually go on ahead and take a Jaws type stab at biting the shit outta ya’ baby but in all likelihood it’ll lead to more crying. The goal is to be firm and gentle, like Bruce Lee kick where he hugs you at the end.
2. Legitimately fight him.
Knuck if you buck, baby. Your child is not fully equipped to handle the pressures of a real live fight. They tend to cry when they trip or fall or are hungry. Use that to your advantage and go full Mike Tyson on ‘em. Which leads into my next tip…
3. Wait until they are hungry.
Ain’t nothing easier than wrestling down a baby when they’re hungry. Yes, they are more angry and are more aggressive, potentially swaying the bout into their favor. But, they’re hunger has also weakened them. You have to prepare to go the distance.
4. Put sleep medicine in their food every day.
Narcoleptic, anyone? How can a baby cause trouble when they’re asleep? They can’t. You win.
5. Call in comrades.
I’m all for a fair fight but I remember being able to call “Royal Rumble” in thumb wrestling, allowing all five fingers to jump in and wreck havoc on your opponent. Call up some homies, preferably ones who know how to handle wrestling babies because they’ve done it before – they’ll understand how to respond to beef in the heat of the battle. Babies are notorious for pulling out knives, giggles, farts, whatever they have to, to gain the upper hand. Don’t be afraid of calling in reinforcements.
6. Make fun of them.
Newsflash: babies are really fucking sensitive; My daughter gets real antsy when you start laughing at her when she’s not in on the joke. Don’t be afraid to go low when she goes high – make fun of their belly, the way they use their pacifiers, how they look drunk all the time…whatever is needed to distract them from the upcoming house of pain you fittin’ to deliver to their front door, or crib.
7. Love them.
Surprise! Didn’t see this one coming, did ya’? This tactic is actually tried and true, and works all the time. See, the love confuses them. Babies naturally want to fuck everybody and everything, up. Lilah goes to Barnes & Noble, and even though she’s saying hi to the little boy who’s collar she’s pulling, she’s made it abundantly clear she runs shit and no one want no parts of her. But, love on her, and she becomes a ball of mush. Keep loving them, headaches and all, and you’ll save yourself the hassle of tips 1-6, and also avoid people yelling “WORLDSTAR!!” on a crowded train cause your toddler whooped yo’ ass…again.
*Disclaimer: CAFE does not endorse or support the actual act of fighting with a baby. You will always lose. They are strong AF.