Baked Alaska: In Memoriam

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It’s been a full fortnight since the Twitter community lost one of its most controversial figures, Baked Alaska. And as is often the way with such things, his years-long run of intentional and unintentional notoriety came to an end not with a bang, but with a whimper.

If you’re unaware of who Baked Alaska is, there are far more comprehensive backstories available. Suffice to say, he is a young man who has sacrificed his own dignity countless times in pursuit of a fame, relevance, and acceptance he will probably never attain. His journey has taken him from a promising new Buzzfeed employee to Milo Yiannopoulos’ least favorite lackey to organizer of the white pride Charlottesville rally. But at the end of the day, he is still the internet’s favorite diminutive dunce, and many Twitter users — myself included — have seen his suspension as bittersweet.

Much of Mr. Alaska’s exploits have been preserved for posterity by CAFE friend and Super Deluxe video editor Vic Berger at www.milkleaks.com. I asked him to explain what fascinates him about the Twitter idiot we love to hate:

I just can’t get enough of Baked Alaska owning himself. He owns himself so frequently that a lot of people think he is doing a schtick like he’s some kind of white power Andy Kaufman character that gets destroyed daily by strangers, because that would make sense. But after watching and editing way too many hours of this dope running around harassing people and sticking a camera in their faces, I’m certain he isn’t trying to be humiliated over and over and over again. He wants to be funny. And it’s clear when he’s trying to make a joke, like when he stands in front of a gated entrance to an outside mall and points at it and says: “Looks like Auschwitz. Haha. That’s just like Auschwitz.” He wants to be in control of what people are laughing at, but everyone is only laughing at the painfully awkward, unintentional humor of him endlessly failing.

With the help of Vic, I now humbly present some of Baked’s greatest self-owns, in no particular order:

The Milk Thing

Let’s kick things off with the most infamous of all of our boy Baked’s misadventures, the self-own of all self-owns, the milk incident. Deep in rally mode, Baked Alaska (being the livestreaming maven that he is) felt the need to procure some juicy content. And what could be juicier than the nefarious agents of Antifa — supersoldiers, if you will — spraying this brave and peaceful patriot right in the kisser with a burst of stinging pepper spray? Well, that’s what Baked thought, and, not finding any willing supersoldiers, apparently decided to pepper spray himself … if only just a little (and with his eyes completely covered by his weird trademark sunglasses).

Stumbling through the crowd (never stopping his selfie-stick livestream, of course), Baked found himself screaming “I NEED MILK” over and over as the milk failed to appear. Later, in the hospital (lol), Baked claimed that he was potentially going to be blind going forward, something we can neither confirm nor deny actually happened, given his choice in clothing and general lack of coordination.

The Uber Ride

On his way to the rally in Charlottesville, Baked decided to stop by our nation’s capital, grabbing a quick Uber downtown. Unfortunately for him, the Uber driver recognized him and quickly threw him out of the car (to which he took great umbrage). As is often his way, Baked immediately took to Twitter and YouTube to lament what he perceived to be unfair treatment.

Uber’s response:

It’s not entirely clear why Uber called Baked “Debbie,” but many were happy to assume that it was the name on the credit card associated with his account, and Debbie is Baked’s mother.

The Homeschooling

We learned from Business Insider that Baked is one of seven children from a deeply religious family up in Anchorage, Alaska, where he was homeschooled. Smash cut to a decade or so later, and this is the result:

I don’t really have anything further to add to this. When he tweeted it, I stared at the screen for a full minute. Really one of those “I can’t believe this site is free” moments.

Hitting on a Child

Baked once tweeted “Roy Moore did nothing wrong,” a reference to the Alabama senatorial candidate’s alleged lecherous tendency to sexually assault 14 year-old girls. As it turns out, Baked was doing this not only out of solidarity with his fellow conservative, but with his fellow alleged child-dater.

Livestreaming from Comic-Con, a horny-eyed Baked can be seen making “grab you by the pussy” jokes to a girl dressed as a cat. But upon asking her for her sweet, sweet digits, the catgirl’s father informed our poor boy that she was, in fact, 13 (Baked was nearly 30 at the time).

Cucked by Police

Before he was a professional cuck for clicks, Baked tried his hand at the old soundcloud rapper game, and there was no track more indicative of his bootlicking nature than “We Love Our Cops (WOW).”

Apparently there was no reciprocal love (from cops or otherwise), as Baked gets told to fuck off by every cop and citizen he comes across.

To hear Vic describe this relationship: And I don’t believe him to actually be racist, just an impressionable guy who is comfortable shouting out racist internet troll memes in the real world. Thankfully, hateful Pepe memes don’t translate well when you shout them in someone’s face. The three girls outside the nightclub proved that when they slammed his iPhone 7 onto the pavement and then walked away into the club as Baked filmed them almost in tears.

Threatening to Sue Al Jazeera

Chest-out empty threats of legal action are nothing new — it’s usually a way to divert attention from your opponent’s core message (think fellow alleged child-dater Roy Moore’s assertion that he will be filing libel suits against his accusers, despite none being filed when this article was published). But Baked Alaska, incompetence as his craft, decided to claim that a lawsuit was pending against Al Jazeera for publishing this picture:

The problem being, of course, that the picture had been mindlessly photoshopped and tweeted out by Mr. Alaska himself less than a month prior.

Some say he knew this even as he threatened to sue AJ+, but those of us who know him best know that this is just a classic case of Baked Brain.

Kicked Off Twitter Forever

To be honest, I didn’t notice when Baked Alaska was kicked off Twitter. At that point, I had stopped following him (his day-to-day content is pretty boring), confident that if he did anything really dumb it would come across my feed organically. I don’t even think he knows what he did, based on his reaction to the whole thing. That reaction, which was covered in a NINE HOUR LONG YouTube video, is mostly comprised of our boy aimlessly wandering around a parking lot harassing strangers about his suspension, eventually being chewed out by a 90 year-old man for being too loud and annoying.

Imagine doing anything other than sleeping for nine hours, much less a selfie-stick meltdown behind the North Hollywood In-N-Out Burger. It’s one of those bafflingly sad things that he does, things that make me feel a granule of sympathy for the guy. He thinks he’s pursuing a Roger Stone strategy of “be outrageous, get noticed,” but he missed the mark. Stone is outrageous, sure, but those in his orbit respect him. Nobody — and I mean nobody — respects Baked Alaska.