Advisor: Ben Carson Inconsolable, Believes Shooting Was At “Planet Hollywood”

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Though most Republican presidential candidates remained silent in the wake of last week’s mass shooting at a Planned Parenthood clinic in Colorado Springs, a few took time out of their holiday weekends to weigh in on the tragedy.

Ted Cruz offered his prayers forthe loved ones of those killed, those injured & first responders who bravely got the situation under control” on Twitter.

Jeb Bush also took to social media, stating “there is no acceptable explanation for this violence.”

Ben Carson extended his condolences, submitting that “it’s sad we can no longer occupy our favorite theme restaurants with peace of mind.”

“It’s a harrowing reality,” Carson continued. “You think in 2015 you’d be able to sit down with your family and enjoy a nice meal while surrounded by some of Hollywood’s most iconic film memorabilia, but that’s no longer the case. The threat of terroristic violence in this nation is more intrusive than ever. No American should have to second-guess their decision to eat a delicious fried calamari near the bus from Speed.”

“We’ve tried to explain this to him multiple times,” said one visibly drained Carson adviser, eyes closed and pinching the bridge of his nose. “We tell him it was a Planned Parenthood, he tells us about the Freddy Krueger hat he saw at one in Florida.”

“Good Lord. If you think explaining the Israel/Palestine conflict to this man is exhausting, try describing what reproductive health services are to him while fielding questions about franchise locations and listening to anecdotes about the pottery from Ghost,” Carson’s adviser added, tilting his head back and exhaling heavily.