A Volcanic Cloud Might Cool The Planet, So Let’s Never Speak Of Climate Change Again


By H. Davis Pembroke, Chairman and CEO, VirtuBlast Energy, Inc.

Gentlemen, in my twenty-seven years as an oil, gas, and coal executive, I’ve seen it all. Inflation, deflation, rig explosions, massive leaks across landscapes and seabeds. But the peskiest problem of all has been our alleged-but-unacknowledged links to global warming and the climate change that follows as a result. This, in turn, has led to regulations, which, as part of VirtuBlast company policy, we exclusively refer to as “job-killing regulations.”

Thankfully that decades-long headache might be coming to an end. That’s because, as you may have seen in our company bulletin, a massive volcano is erupting in Bali and the gas it spews may end up cooling the planet without us having to lift a finger.

To any investors on this call, now is a great time to double down on VirtuBlast stock.

As a brief summary of how it works: the sulfur dioxide that gets spewed out of an erupting volcano can eventually be converted to sulfuric aerosols, which reflect solar radiation away from the earth and back into space, thus cooling the planet. Admittedly, an eruption can also ravage the ozone layer, and the accompanying ash can ground airplanes and cause respiratory ailments … but disregard that. The key phrase for our press release is “thus cooling the planet.”

Here at VirtuBlast, we’re fond of a hands-off approach to all elements of our business. “Let the market decide,” if you will. And in this case, the market is Mother Nature, and she is telling us that if we just proceed with business as usual in our oil, gas, and coal enterprises, she will make a market-based correction in the form of a volcano.

Look, it happened in 1784, okay? A two-year fissure of the Laki volcano in Iceland released 120 million tons of sulfur dioxide into the air, and it cooled the planet by … well, by a lot, okay? We didn’t have reliable climate science at that time.

The point is, this current eruption could do that, too. In fact, I think it’s safe to assume that it definitely will, which means there should be no change whatsoever to VirtuBlast’s operations, except possibly to scale them up. We’ve got a very supportive bunch in Washington right now, so let’s take action before someone else steps in and makes us do things like invest in solar or wind. Which will kill jobs. Obviously.

So let’s get that press release out there, let’s ramp up operations, and let’s drop any and all mentions of climate change from this point forward.

Instead, let’s focus on income. Because within a week or two, we’ll only have to pay 20 percent tax on that.