A Broke Writer’s Attempt to Extort Kevin Hart Since That’s What People Do Now

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(Photo by Ben Gabbe/Getty Images)

Kevin Hart was recently at the center of a scandal involving an extramarital affair, salacious video footage, and an extortion plot.

I am a broke writer trying to make ends meet, and I, too, would like to extort Kevin Hart. I have never met the man, let alone put him in a compromising position, and I’m not really sure how this whole extortion thing even works. That being said, I’d like to do it anyway. To start, I’ll Photoshop my face near Kevin Hart’s genitals. Sounds like a P.R. nightmare to me. Do you think he would give me fifty bucks to not do that? Forty? Is this extortion? Am I doing it right? Thirty? It feels like I am not doing it right.

Kevin Hart, you’ve been warned: I’m shaking you down for everything you’ve got. Or, like, 25 bucks. Bus fare would be cool. I know we’ve never had sex, or been in the same room, but I’m pretty sure you don’t want me to send TMZ the fake voicemails you never left me detailing all the dirty things you never said you’d do to me.

I’ll do whatever it takes to extort Kevin Hart. I’ll get into an Instagram feud with his ex. I’ll throw my drink in his face and call him a pig. I’ll throw my pig in his drink and call him a face. I’ll film him doing awful things to me, but then accidentally delete all the footage. I’ll accidentally extort Melissa Joan Hart. I’ll steal his garbage, I’ll read his mail, and I’ll mail his garbage. I’ll threaten him with lawsuits, leaks, and soft, tender smooches.

I’m going to extort Kevin Hart and nobody can stop me! Except maybe a federal judge, my own laziness, or anybody who says, “Hey, cut it out.”

Kevin Hart: just give me some money already!